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Thursday, October 21, 2004

Apocalypse Now 

Well the burdens of law school have caught up to me. As a result I don't have the time to look for or comment on funny ass shit in the real world. More accurately, I do not have time to do this in two distinct blogs. I must bid my farewell to the Armacost Project.

I need to concentrate more on some serious blogging as well as law/law school/political humor at Nuts and Boalts. We had a good run though. :)

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Friday, September 17, 2004

Home Alone in Solitary 

As you all probably already know, Macauley Culkin was arrested in OKC for possession of controlled substance (pot). This leads to smart ass making even smarter comments on Yahoo message boards. Here's a sampling

***

Which child/teen star has it off worse?by: speedseductioninamagazine
09/17/04 09:31 pmMsg: 40 of 49

I would guess either Todd Bridges or Dana Plato, right along with Gary Coleman, Corey Feldman and Corey Haim are up there too

***

WAS HE HOME ALONE DOING DRUGS?by: god_damn_catholics (34/M/everywhere)
09/17/04 09:35 pmMsg: 62 of 69

....someone had to say it

***

Re: He'll be in the same cellby: gmacgrl (33/F/WI)
09/17/04 09:22 pmMsg: 32 of 81

with his old buddy Michael Jackson!!!

***

24 and wash-up for 15 years alreadyby: who2know2
09/17/04 09:38 pmMsg: 86 of 314 1 recommendation

Look at his face. Not a hollywood hunk is he?



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Thursday, September 16, 2004

Corn sucker 

The latest horrible dub to make a movie suitable for basic cable.

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Saturday, September 11, 2004

A Debtor to Law (School) 

[Note, this also appears at Nuts and Boalts]

I've always been a fan of Something Awful. In their comedy goldmine series, they had photoshopped images of "real" college textbooks. For example the following:




What really caught my attention though was the presence of my Criminal Law Textbook by Kadish and Schulhoffer.



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Tuesday, September 07, 2004

Crash 

I was driving up from LA yesterday, when I saw a car spin out in my rear-view...instantly the car got side-swiped and spun out off the enbankment. I stop, reverse back (in the emergency lane), and run to the scene. I get CHP on my cell and tell them about the accident. No one looks hurt but there was a baby in one of the cars. Chippie arrives...walks over to the spun out car, makes sure everyone's ok, comes over to me, asks if I'm in one of the other cars.

Me: "No I just saw the accident and pulled over."

[Cue Ford Mustang speeding past us, slamming on brakes, hitting car in front]

Me: "Well and YOU saw this one."

Chippie: "Here comes another"

[Cue early 90's Benz E-series slamming on brakes, swerving off the road to the left to avoid collision]

Chippie: "Aside from the hood ornament they really don't look at anything else on the road...that's why we have these" [points to car, shakes head, proceeds to wave down traffic to slow them down]

Moral of the story? Don't speed while rubber necking.

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Wednesday, September 01, 2004

An(noying) American(s) in Paris 

The following story on the enfatuation with The Da Vinci Code on the part of Americans and others visitng Paris is mildy entertaining, and disturbing at the same time.

Paris Tourists Search for Key to 'Da Vinci Code'

Wed Sep 1, 9:54 AM ET

By Joelle Diderich

PARIS (Reuters) - A funny thing happened on the way to the Mona Lisa. Visitors to the Louvre museum in Paris, home of the world's most famous painting, started quizzing tour guides about Dan Brown's best-selling novel "The Da Vinci Code."

Its plot kicks off with the murder of curator Jacques Sauniere in the museum's Grand Gallery and takes readers on a breathless romp littered with references to religion, history and the works of Italian Renaissance painter Leonardo da Vinci.

Visitors clutching dog-eared copies of the book have poured into the Louvre and the church of Saint Sulpice on the trendy Left Bank, home to the brass meridian marker and stone obelisk that play a key role in the novel's search for the Holy Grail.

Tourist guides were quick to catch on. They now offer tours exploring the book's locations and the theories surrounding Leonardo's works of art such as the enigmatic Mona Lisa. "By the time the 30th person asked me: 'Is this where the curator was
murdered?' or 'Is this true about Leonardo's Virgin of the Rocks?', I figured, wow, this is really how people are beginning to approach the Louvre, so why not take advantage of that?" said Ellen McBreen, founder of tour firm Paris Muse.


The Harvard-educated art historian launched her "Cracking The Da Vinci Code at the Louvre" tour in February and it now accounts for half her business, with around 100 tours a month catering mainly to North Americans.



I love this. The one thing that can possibly piss the French off even more at American tourists is our COMPLETE worship of popular culture at the expense of art and history. I say we put Mickey Mouse in front of the Louvre and charge 45 Euros for a churro.



Let's face, I don't see Rene Magritte making a killing at the box office any time soon.

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Thursday, August 26, 2004

Smoke Gets in Your Eyes 

Person 1: hwo do you get the smell of smoke
Person 1: out of your hair
Person 2: peanut butter
Person 1: you're lying
Person 2: or a protein based substance
Person 1: seroiusly?

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Sunday, August 22, 2004

The Scream 

So it's all over the news that today Edvard Munch's "The Scream" was stolen...again. For those of you who don't follow art theft very closely, another version of the same work was stolen in 1994. I was under the impression it was never recovered, however, a quick search has shown that it was indeed recovered a few months after it was stolen.

Anyway, I think it's safe to conclude that somebody REALLY wants "the Scream." Might I suggest that they have tighter security around "the Screams?" Maybe they should just let the thieves keep it. I mean they went through all that trouble.

Here's what the piece looks like.



Here's what I think the creep in the painting is saying, "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH, don't steal me, AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

Or, "Not again? AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!"

Random Simpson's Trivia Question: In which episode do they refer to this piece?

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Wednesday, August 18, 2004

Brother Bear Beer 

CNN Reports the following:

Bear guzzles 36 beers, passes out at campground

SEATTLE, Washington (Reuters) -- A black bear was found passed out at a campground in Washington state recently after guzzling down three dozen cans of a local beer, a campground worker said on Wednesday.

"We noticed a bear sleeping on the common lawn and wondered what was going on until we discovered that there were a lot of beer cans lying around," said Lisa Broxson, a worker at the Baker Lake Resort, 80 miles (129 km) northeast of Seattle.

The hard-drinking bear, estimated to be about two years old, broke into campers' coolers and, using his claws and teeth to open the cans, swilled down the suds. It turns out the bear was a bit of a beer sophisticate. He tried a mass-market Busch beer, but switched to Rainier Beer, a local ale, and stuck with it for his drinking binge. Wildlife agents chased the bear away, but it returned the next day, said Broxson. They set a trap using as bait some doughnuts, honey and two cans of Rainier Beer. It worked, and the bear was captured for relocation.

Man encroaches on nature, nature holds her liquor.


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Tuesday, August 17, 2004

Manchurian Candidate for Love 

Love in War is a website dedicated to bringing the politically charged individuals together...well at least those who care about politics. Their mission is:

Who says sex and politics don't mix? We all got concerns, views and what not. For many here, politics is what defines us. But sometimes, even politically minded people need a break. Sometimes you wanna meet others. Take a long walk on the beach or something. That's where Love In War comes in. Think of us as a rest stop on your little revolution. Even Ché took some time to party. Go to Cuba, you'd understand why. This is a new site for people who take their politics seriously, but don't take themselves too seriously. This site isn't only for "liberals" or "conservatives", either. It's very unexclusive, really. Politics in the information age is too complex for simple labels, and hopefully you'll discover this when browsing for others and defining yourselves. OK, enjoy.

A bit on the looney side in my humble opinion but nothing too over the top on its own. Enter Craigslist. As a loyal reader of The Best of Craigslist I came upon this little gem not too long ago. The author is just a hair under 40 male describing the types of women he's come across over the years on the dating scene...

3. POLITICOS: All ages - Political awareness is cool and admirable. When it becomes every subject and is related to every thing that comes up, it is not attractive to me. If I want to be preached to about the state of the planet, I'll seek that out. I just want to enjoy the evening and hopefully get laid. Is that too fucking much to ask? In this category you'll find the disenfranchised, hippy chicks, self described artistic, semi-lesbian and generally angry chicks. What I will give them is that if you can get past that, they may be the best in the sack. so for that I say SALUTE! and THANKS! Peace and love my sisters.

Compare this to the above mission statement to get the full picture.

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Monday, August 16, 2004

Four Cases of Kirkland Signature Products and a Funeral 

Yahoo News has the following story on Costco's plan to sell coffins at their stores. It reads in part:

On Monday, Costco Wholesale Corp., better known for bulk chicken and cases of soda, started test marketing caskets along side mattresses at a North Side Chicago store and one in suburban Oak Brook. "This is certainly something that can be an easy value," said Gina Bianche, a buyer in Costco's corporate office in Issaquah, Wash. "I don't want to say cheap value, but it just needs to be done." Each of the six models from the Universal Casket Co., in colors including lilac and Neapolitan blue, is priced at $799.99, made of 18-gauge steel, considered medium weight for caskets, and can be delivered within 48 hours.

Caskets could already be purchased directly from manufacturers, in funeral supply stores and over the Internet, but big general merchandise stores had stayed away from selling caskets until now, said David Walkinshaw, a spokesman for the National Funeral Directors Association. At a Costco on Chicago's north side, shoppers checking out the new casket kiosk Monday seemed to like the idea that the same store where they buy so many things for this life was branching into the after life. "A casket at Costco, yeah, I think it's pretty bizarre," said Inga Barth, 53. She wondered about buying a casket with only a kiosk and small samples of the caskets' material to look over, though, saying, "When you go casket shopping, you want to see the whole thing."

That didn't trouble John Neuhaus. "I want the adjustable bed and mattress for my neck," he joked, pointing to one of the features highlighted at the kiosk. After all, he said, "It says eternal rest."

I love Costco. I really do. Their prices are great (if you know what you're looking for) and their business ethics are very high up there. So I really do hope that this venture turns out well for them. However, I have this nagging feeling that pretty soon Costco is going to be synonymous with the Angel of Death. "Grandma, we're going to Costco...care to come along?????" *Grandma loses all complexion*

I can also imagine some horror stories involving people not finding their membership cards to purchase a casket in time for Uncle Larry's funeral. But then again I don't hear horror stories of people buying a 5,000-pack of water, so why should coffins be any different?

One lingering question to you all: Is there any possible reason for Costco to choose Chicago as the site of this test-market? I mean if I was the head of a super-chain store, say Ikea for example, and wanted to see if I could repackage some of my products as coffins, I would probably look to a city with a very high need for disposing bodies. Eh hem, Palm Beach, eh hem. In the case of Ikea, I think they should consider NY/NJ.

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Sunday, August 15, 2004

Ode to Grecian Town 

In today's San Francisco Chronicle, there is an article by Pulitzer Prize-winning author Michael Chabon titled Ode to Berkeley. While not particularly witty or humorous, this rather long article does an exceptional job of capturing the town's feel and uniqueness in a far more poetic and elloquent manner than anything I could possibly write. If you're interested in the fruits and nuts that occupy the city that is Berkeley, CA, take the time to read the piece.

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Thursday, August 12, 2004

Can't buy me love 

I received the following e-mail forward today.

***

A well-known speaker started off his seminar by holding up a $20.00 bill. In the room of 200, he asked "Who would like this $20 bill?" Hands started going up. He said, "I am going to give this $20 to one of you but first, let me do this." He proceeded to crumple up the $20 dollar bill. He then asked, "Who still wants it?" Still the hands were up in the air. "Well", he replied, "What if I do this?" And he dropped it on the ground and started to grind it into the floor with his shoe. He picked it up, now crumpled and dirty. "Now, who still wants it?" Still the hands went into the air. "My friends, we have all learned a very valuable lesson. No matter what I did to the money, you still wanted it because it did not decrease in value.

It was still worth $20. Many times in our lives, we are dropped, crumpled,
and ground into the dirt by the decisions we make and the circumstances that come our way. We feel as though we are worthless. But no matter what has happened or what will happen, you will never lose your value. Dirty or clean, crumpled or finely creased, you are still priceless to those who DO LOVE you. The worth of our lives comes not in what we do or who we know, but by WHO WE ARE. You are special- Don't EVER forget it." If you do not pass this on, you may never know the lives it touches, the hurting hearts it speaks to, or the hope that it can bring.
Count your blessings, not your problems. And remember: amateurs built the ark ... professionals built the Titanic. If God brings you to it - He will bring you through it. Pass this message to 7 people except you and me. You will receive a miracle tomorrow.

***

1. "This note is legal tender for all debts, public and private."
2. This Armen is not because he doesn't have the full weight of the Federal government backing his ass up when someone tramples over him.
3. 99/100 times people will walk past the "clean" and "finely crisp" YOU and go straight for the "dirty" and "crumpled" $20 bill...draw your own conlcusions.
4. Obligatory parallel to the Simpsons...

Homer takes an "autodialer" used in telemarketing scams from the dumpster after Wiggum and the Springfield's finest arrest Jimmy the Scumbag and uses the machine for his own scheme. He diales Mr. Burns as the first victim.

Greetings, friends. Do you wish to look as happy as me? Well, you've got the power inside you right now. So, use it, and send one dollar to Happy Dude, 742 Evergreen Terrace, Springfield. Don't delay, eternal happiness is just a dollar away.

Burns: *takes dollar out of his wallet* "One dollar for eternal happiness. Mmmm... I'd be happier WITH the dollar"

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Wednesday, August 11, 2004

Dragnet 

CNN offers the following story of the daring officer who knew a drunk driver when he saw one. Thanks to Lindy for the pointer.

******

Driver: 'Arrest me, I'm drunk'



BOSTON, Massachusetts (Reuters) -- In this story, it was the drunk driver who pulled over the police officer.

"He pulled up behind me, rolled down the passenger side window and said he was looking for a police officer to arrest him," Ian McCollin, chief of police in Vernon, Vermont, said in an interview on Wednesday. "When I asked him why, he replied 'I'm drunk."'

To make matters worse, the drunk driver was operating on a suspended license, which was taken away after a previous drunk driving charge, McCollin said.

Bryan Condo, 28, was driving on a quiet Vermont road at night when he asked McCollin to take him in. Since drivers rarely pull over police cruisers, a cautious McCollin called a colleague for backup with an amused "You won't believe this one."

"I was a little concerned but I also wanted him to hear the story too," he said. "I was afraid they'd think I was senile or losing my mind."

Police discovered Condo, a resident of North Pownal in Western Vermont, was four times over the legal limit and charged him with driving under the influence as well as driving without a license.

Condo was released hours after his arrest and will be arraigned on August 17. He could not be reached for comment.

"This guy was hilarious," McCollin said. "And he was very cooperative and polite, unlike your average drunk driver."


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Wednesday, August 04, 2004

Juliet Seeks Romeo or Rogelio or Rigoberto 

Continuing our series of Yahoo Personal Ads, today we bring you, The Perfect Match to the previous post by the Puerto Rican Papi.


Linda Mami waitin4her sweet cute latino
In my own words:

Hey sexy papi latinos I'm a sweet beautiful latina who has been single for 1and a half and is ready for her prince to save her from her single life. What makes me unique is my character and my good sense of humor.(As opposed everyone else's character NOT making THEM unique) What i am looking for is a handsome, latino who will like me for who I am (again, wtf is the alternative? or not like you for who you are? like you for WHAT you do and not who you are? like your sister for who she is or WHAT she does?) and who is sweet good sense of humor and someone in whom i will feel comfortable and protected. (Nothing our 18 year old Rican Papi can't handle)

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Tuesday, August 03, 2004

Julius Caesar's Salad 

razzy: hey what does it mean when a guy says he wants a tossed salad and its sexual...
armenaut: LOL
razzy: haha my friend asked me bc her bf said that when she was ACTUALLY EATING A TOSSED SALAD

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Sunday, July 25, 2004

La Cage Aux Folles 

I'm working my last show at Royce Hall, during the first half before intermission my manager Matt, his younger brother Steve (working concessions that night), Hillary (working concessions with Steve), and myself are sitting behind the bar and shooting the breeze about potential careers.

Me: "Oh so you want to go to law school?"
Hillary:  "Yeah...my dad actually wants to be an accountant."
Me:  "Accountants kick ass...I mean I understand it's number crunching but they also tell you how to beat the system with your taxes.  They're like the modern day Robin Hoods."
Hillary:  "I'm going to tell my dad that.  He has a good sense of humor so he'd love that...he's the only accountant I know who wears an earring."
Matt:  "Your dad wears an earring?"
Hillary: "Yeah and during the holidays he wears a pinecone earring...that he actually made."
Matt:  "Holy fuck and I thought only our dad was gay."  (Matt and Steve's dad, Chris, came out after 19 years of marriage and three sons)
Hillary:  "No my dad's not gay, he'll just get these small pinecones, spray paint them with gold paint and add sprinkles."
Matt and Steve together: "Ummmm"
Hillary:  "My dad's not gay"
Steve:  "It's not like our dad was the straightest dad ever before he came out...'Hey guys Linda Ronstadt is on.'"
Hillary: "oh my god, my dad has a poster of Linda Ronstadt.  He said my mom would never let him put it up before."
All: "umm"
Matt:  "Why ISN'T your dad gay?"
Hillary: "He just isn't.  He's a very happy guy..."
Me:  "You might say happy...you might say jubilant...you might say GAY."
Hillary:  "He is not gay"
Matt:  "Yeah but why?"
Hillary:  "He just isn't...I mean he's the type who would come out if he was...he has no reason not to come out."
Steve: "Oh that makes sense...somewhat"
Hillary: "Well he lives in San Francisco"
All:  Outburst of laughter
Hillary:  "And he wears neon hot pink shorts when he rides his bike."

*Intermission Begins* 



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Friday, July 23, 2004

L.A. Confidential 

Let me start off by saying that I’m not really a basketball fan; I’m more of a hockey and baseball fan.  Normally I don’t give two shits about the circus known as the “Lakers.”  However, something caught my eye in the paper, Jeanie Buss (the owner’s daughter) gave an in the Times.  I do not want go in depth about Shaq, Kobe, Phil, and etc. because that would take too fucking long.  I will just say this; Jerry Buss is fucking senile.  Ok back to Jeanie, I’ve been told she’s posed in playboy, but despite some rigorous research I could not find the pictures.  In the interview Jeanie says, “My dad needed answers. He needed to know which direction the team was going.”  Well she took her dad’s side, over her boyfriend, but that was a tough call.  Besides she “works” for the Lakers and I doubt Phil would want to support her ass. A few lines later she says, “I know that from my own situation. I haven't made it any secret that I have been looking for a commitment from Phil on a personal level in regards to marriage that he has just not been comfortable giving me.”  WHOA!  Let me address things in order:

1.) This is the L.A. Times Sports section, not Jerry Springer Weekly.

2.) That definitely DOES NOT make you sound desperate, some women drop hints and others tell the whole world hoping to embarrass and entrap their boyfriends into marriage.  Either way is good.

3.) Phil is damn near 60 years old, rich, and has about four kids… why would he need a wife?  (In a shrill feminist’s voice) Because every King needs a Queen, Every man needs a woman to stand by him and support him!  Support?  Oh you mean not always taking her dad’s side?  Not badmouthing her man in the papers?  Well he’ll need someone to take care of him when he gets really old or sick.  That’s what the kids are for, if they don’t want to then that’s what the money is for.




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Monday, July 19, 2004

Mr. Adzhemyan Goes to Armacost 

Ok this is my blog for now and this is how I got the job.
Armen:  I need a favor!
Me:  What now?
Armen:  I'm gonna be really busy for the next few weeks... can you write the blog until then?
Me:  What are you afraid you'll lose your loyal fan base if you dont write anything for two weeks?
Armen (trying to be a tough negotiator):  Look!  Do you want the job or not?  It's between you and Robert and I don't want long posts about Western Philosophy. 
Me:  Yeah Robs would suck.
Armen:  So should I ask Robert or are you up for it?
Me:  I'm your Huckleberry.


Slight changes were made to make me look better and Armen worse but Robert's image was not changed. 

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The Bourne Identity Change 

The following has been bugging me for a few years; I need to get this off my chest as badly as Pamela Anderson’s career needed a boob job.  Why is it that two groups completely opposite of one another can each be “pro”?  I’m talking about the pro-choice people and the pro-life people.  I understand that the catchy names help recruit members and all that other marketing and psychological shit.  However, one of them needs to change their name.  I mean antibacterial soaps aren’t called “pro-health” or “pro-sanitary” are they?  Therefore, one of them needs to be called the anti-life group or anti-choice group.  Besides this would make choosing a side a lot easier.  What Senator is going to say “I have always been anti-choice, just look at my record I even voted against adding green M&Ms.” Or “How dare you call me a pro-lifer I’m more anti-life than Dr. Kevorkian.”  I realize this will probably hurt one of the groups but it will put my mind at ease and in the long run it will bring people together, people that have been separated by this divisive issue.          
   
Next entry will cover why the Abolitionists were out pissing while names were handed out.  Also, I don’t want to hear how I am supporting murder or how I’m a fascist taking away people’s rights.  I was ambiguous for a reason, I do not have a stand on the issue and frankly don’t care because I am neither a woman nor a fetus. 

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