The Armacost Project

Apocalypse Now

2004-10-21T01:22:00.000-07:00

Well the burdens of law school have caught up to me. As a result I don't have the time to look for or comment on funny ass shit in the real world. More accurately, I do not have time to do this in two distinct blogs. I must bid my farewell to the Armacost Project.

I need to concentrate more on some serious blogging as well as law/law school/political humor at Nuts and Boalts. We had a good run though. :)

Home Alone in Solitary

2004-09-17T18:34:00.000-07:00

As you all probably already know, Macauley Culkin was arrested in OKC for possession of controlled substance (pot). This leads to smart ass making even smarter comments on Yahoo message boards. Here's a sampling

***

Which child/teen star has it off worse?by: speedseductioninamagazine
09/17/04 09:31 pmMsg: 40 of 49

I would guess either Todd Bridges or Dana Plato, right along with Gary Coleman, Corey Feldman and Corey Haim are up there too

***

WAS HE HOME ALONE DOING DRUGS?by: god_damn_catholics (34/M/everywhere)
09/17/04 09:35 pmMsg: 62 of 69

....someone had to say it

***

Re: He'll be in the same cellby: gmacgrl (33/F/WI)
09/17/04 09:22 pmMsg: 32 of 81

with his old buddy Michael Jackson!!!

***

24 and wash-up for 15 years alreadyby: who2know2
09/17/04 09:38 pmMsg: 86 of 314 1 recommendation

Look at his face. Not a hollywood hunk is he?

Corn sucker

2004-09-16T18:31:00.000-07:00

The latest horrible dub to make a movie suitable for basic cable.

A Debtor to Law (School)

2004-09-11T03:03:00.000-07:00

[Note, this also appears at Nuts and Boalts]

I've always been a fan of Something Awful. In their comedy goldmine series, they had photoshopped images of "real" college textbooks. For example the following:

What really caught my attention though was the presence of my Criminal Law Textbook by Kadish and Schulhoffer.

Crash

2004-09-07T01:26:00.000-07:00

I was driving up from LA yesterday, when I saw a car spin out in my rear-view...instantly the car got side-swiped and spun out off the enbankment. I stop, reverse back (in the emergency lane), and run to the scene. I get CHP on my cell and tell them about the accident. No one looks hurt but there was a baby in one of the cars. Chippie arrives...walks over to the spun out car, makes sure everyone's ok, comes over to me, asks if I'm in one of the other cars.

Me: "No I just saw the accident and pulled over."

[Cue Ford Mustang speeding past us, slamming on brakes, hitting car in front]

Me: "Well and YOU saw this one."

Chippie: "Here comes another"

[Cue early 90's Benz E-series slamming on brakes, swerving off the road to the left to avoid collision]

Chippie: "Aside from the hood ornament they really don't look at anything else on the road...that's why we have these" [points to car, shakes head, proceeds to wave down traffic to slow them down]

Moral of the story? Don't speed while rubber necking.

An(noying) American(s) in Paris

2004-09-01T23:03:00.000-07:00

The following story on the enfatuation with The Da Vinci Code on the part of Americans and others visitng Paris is mildy entertaining, and disturbing at the same time.

Paris Tourists Search for Key to 'Da Vinci Code'

Wed Sep 1, 9:54 AM ET

By Joelle Diderich

PARIS (Reuters) - A funny thing happened on the way to the Mona Lisa. Visitors to the Louvre museum in Paris, home of the world's most famous painting, started quizzing tour guides about Dan Brown's best-selling novel "The Da Vinci Code."

Its plot kicks off with the murder of curator Jacques Sauniere in the museum's Grand Gallery and takes readers on a breathless romp littered with references to religion, history and the works of Italian Renaissance painter Leonardo da Vinci.

Visitors clutching dog-eared copies of the book have poured into the Louvre and the church of Saint Sulpice on the trendy Left Bank, home to the brass meridian marker and stone obelisk that play a key role in the novel's search for the Holy Grail.

Tourist guides were quick to catch on. They now offer tours exploring the book's locations and the theories surrounding Leonardo's works of art such as the enigmatic Mona Lisa. "By the time the 30th person asked me: 'Is this where the curator was
murdered?' or 'Is this true about Leonardo's Virgin of the Rocks?', I figured, wow, this is really how people are beginning to approach the Louvre, so why not take advantage of that?" said Ellen McBreen, founder of tour firm Paris Muse.

The Harvard-educated art historian launched her "Cracking The Da Vinci Code at the Louvre" tour in February and it now accounts for half her business, with around 100 tours a month catering mainly to North Americans.

I love this. The one thing that can possibly piss the French off even more at American tourists is our COMPLETE worship of popular culture at the expense of art and history. I say we put Mickey Mouse in front of the Louvre and charge 45 Euros for a churro.

Let's face, I don't see Rene Magritte making a killing at the box office any time soon.

Smoke Gets in Your Eyes

2004-08-26T08:04:00.000-07:00

Person 1: hwo do you get the smell of smoke
Person 1: out of your hair
Person 2: peanut butter
Person 1: you're lying
Person 2: or a protein based substance
Person 1: seroiusly?

The Scream

2004-08-22T10:50:00.000-07:00

So it's all over the news that today Edvard Munch's "The Scream" was stolen...again. For those of you who don't follow art theft very closely, another version of the same work was stolen in 1994. I was under the impression it was never recovered, however, a quick search has shown that it was indeed recovered a few months after it was stolen.

Anyway, I think it's safe to conclude that somebody REALLY wants "the Scream." Might I suggest that they have tighter security around "the Screams?" Maybe they should just let the thieves keep it. I mean they went through all that trouble.

Here's what the piece looks like.

Here's what I think the creep in the painting is saying, "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH, don't steal me, AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

Or, "Not again? AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!"

Random Simpson's Trivia Question: In which episode do they refer to this piece?

Brother Bear Beer

2004-08-18T19:21:00.000-07:00

CNN Reports the following:

Bear guzzles 36 beers, passes out at campground

SEATTLE, Washington (Reuters) -- A black bear was found passed out at a campground in Washington state recently after guzzling down three dozen cans of a local beer, a campground worker said on Wednesday.

"We noticed a bear sleeping on the common lawn and wondered what was going on until we discovered that there were a lot of beer cans lying around," said Lisa Broxson, a worker at the Baker Lake Resort, 80 miles (129 km) northeast of Seattle.

The hard-drinking bear, estimated to be about two years old, broke into campers' coolers and, using his claws and teeth to open the cans, swilled down the suds. It turns out the bear was a bit of a beer sophisticate. He tried a mass-market Busch beer, but switched to Rainier Beer, a local ale, and stuck with it for his drinking binge. Wildlife agents chased the bear away, but it returned the next day, said Broxson. They set a trap using as bait some doughnuts, honey and two cans of Rainier Beer. It worked, and the bear was captured for relocation.

Man encroaches on nature, nature holds her liquor.

Manchurian Candidate for Love

2004-08-17T10:22:00.000-07:00

Love in War is a website dedicated to bringing the politically charged individuals together...well at least those who care about politics. Their mission is:

Who says sex and politics don't mix? We all got concerns, views and what not. For many here, politics is what defines us. But sometimes, even politically minded people need a break. Sometimes you wanna meet others. Take a long walk on the beach or something. That's where Love In War comes in. Think of us as a rest stop on your little revolution. Even Ché took some time to party. Go to Cuba, you'd understand why. This is a new site for people who take their politics seriously, but don't take themselves too seriously. This site isn't only for "liberals" or "conservatives", either. It's very unexclusive, really. Politics in the information age is too complex for simple labels, and hopefully you'll discover this when browsing for others and defining yourselves. OK, enjoy.

A bit on the looney side in my humble opinion but nothing too over the top on its own. Enter Craigslist. As a loyal reader of The Best of Craigslist I came upon this little gem not too long ago. The author is just a hair under 40 male describing the types of women he's come across over the years on the dating scene...

3. POLITICOS: All ages - Political awareness is cool and admirable. When it becomes every subject and is related to every thing that comes up, it is not attractive to me. If I want to be preached to about the state of the planet, I'll seek that out. I just want to enjoy the evening and hopefully get laid. Is that too fucking much to ask? In this category you'll find the disenfranchised, hippy chicks, self described artistic, semi-lesbian and generally angry chicks. What I will give them is that if you can get past that, they may be the best in the sack. so for that I say SALUTE! and THANKS! Peace and love my sisters.

Compare this to the above mission statement to get the full picture.

Four Cases of Kirkland Signature Products and a Funeral

2004-08-16T23:26:00.000-07:00

Yahoo News has the following story on Costco's plan to sell coffins at their stores. It reads in part:

On Monday, Costco Wholesale Corp., better known for bulk chicken and cases of soda, started test marketing caskets along side mattresses at a North Side Chicago store and one in suburban Oak Brook. "This is certainly something that can be an easy value," said Gina Bianche, a buyer in Costco's corporate office in Issaquah, Wash. "I don't want to say cheap value, but it just needs to be done." Each of the six models from the Universal Casket Co., in colors including lilac and Neapolitan blue, is priced at $799.99, made of 18-gauge steel, considered medium weight for caskets, and can be delivered within 48 hours.

Caskets could already be purchased directly from manufacturers, in funeral supply stores and over the Internet, but big general merchandise stores had stayed away from selling caskets until now, said David Walkinshaw, a spokesman for the National Funeral Directors Association. At a Costco on Chicago's north side, shoppers checking out the new casket kiosk Monday seemed to like the idea that the same store where they buy so many things for this life was branching into the after life. "A casket at Costco, yeah, I think it's pretty bizarre," said Inga Barth, 53. She wondered about buying a casket with only a kiosk and small samples of the caskets' material to look over, though, saying, "When you go casket shopping, you want to see the whole thing."

That didn't trouble John Neuhaus. "I want the adjustable bed and mattress for my neck," he joked, pointing to one of the features highlighted at the kiosk. After all, he said, "It says eternal rest."

I love Costco. I really do. Their prices are great (if you know what you're looking for) and their business ethics are very high up there. So I really do hope that this venture turns out well for them. However, I have this nagging feeling that pretty soon Costco is going to be synonymous with the Angel of Death. "Grandma, we're going to Costco...care to come along?????" *Grandma loses all complexion*

I can also imagine some horror stories involving people not finding their membership cards to purchase a casket in time for Uncle Larry's funeral. But then again I don't hear horror stories of people buying a 5,000-pack of water, so why should coffins be any different?

One lingering question to you all: Is there any possible reason for Costco to choose Chicago as the site of this test-market? I mean if I was the head of a super-chain store, say Ikea for example, and wanted to see if I could repackage some of my products as coffins, I would probably look to a city with a very high need for disposing bodies. Eh hem, Palm Beach, eh hem. In the case of Ikea, I think they should consider NY/NJ.

Ode to Grecian Town

2004-08-15T15:03:00.000-07:00

In today's San Francisco Chronicle, there is an article by Pulitzer Prize-winning author Michael Chabon titled Ode to Berkeley. While not particularly witty or humorous, this rather long article does an exceptional job of capturing the town's feel and uniqueness in a far more poetic and elloquent manner than anything I could possibly write. If you're interested in the fruits and nuts that occupy the city that is Berkeley, CA, take the time to read the piece.

Can't buy me love

2004-08-12T02:22:00.000-07:00

I received the following e-mail forward today.

***

A well-known speaker started off his seminar by holding up a $20.00 bill. In the room of 200, he asked "Who would like this $20 bill?" Hands started going up. He said, "I am going to give this $20 to one of you but first, let me do this." He proceeded to crumple up the $20 dollar bill. He then asked, "Who still wants it?" Still the hands were up in the air. "Well", he replied, "What if I do this?" And he dropped it on the ground and started to grind it into the floor with his shoe. He picked it up, now crumpled and dirty. "Now, who still wants it?" Still the hands went into the air. "My friends, we have all learned a very valuable lesson. No matter what I did to the money, you still wanted it because it did not decrease in value.

It was still worth $20. Many times in our lives, we are dropped, crumpled,
and ground into the dirt by the decisions we make and the circumstances that come our way. We feel as though we are worthless. But no matter what has happened or what will happen, you will never lose your value. Dirty or clean, crumpled or finely creased, you are still priceless to those who DO LOVE you. The worth of our lives comes not in what we do or who we know, but by WHO WE ARE. You are special- Don't EVER forget it." If you do not pass this on, you may never know the lives it touches, the hurting hearts it speaks to, or the hope that it can bring.
Count your blessings, not your problems. And remember: amateurs built the ark ... professionals built the Titanic. If God brings you to it - He will bring you through it. Pass this message to 7 people except you and me. You will receive a miracle tomorrow.

***

1. "This note is legal tender for all debts, public and private."
2. This Armen is not because he doesn't have the full weight of the Federal government backing his ass up when someone tramples over him.
3. 99/100 times people will walk past the "clean" and "finely crisp" YOU and go straight for the "dirty" and "crumpled" $20 bill...draw your own conlcusions.
4. Obligatory parallel to the Simpsons...

Homer takes an "autodialer" used in telemarketing scams from the dumpster after Wiggum and the Springfield's finest arrest Jimmy the Scumbag and uses the machine for his own scheme. He diales Mr. Burns as the first victim.

Greetings, friends. Do you wish to look as happy as me? Well, you've got the power inside you right now. So, use it, and send one dollar to Happy Dude, 742 Evergreen Terrace, Springfield. Don't delay, eternal happiness is just a dollar away.

Burns: *takes dollar out of his wallet* "One dollar for eternal happiness. Mmmm... I'd be happier WITH the dollar"

Dragnet

2004-08-11T20:44:00.000-07:00

CNN offers the following story of the daring officer who knew a drunk driver when he saw one. Thanks to Lindy for the pointer.

******

Driver: 'Arrest me, I'm drunk'

BOSTON, Massachusetts (Reuters) -- In this story, it was the drunk driver who pulled over the police officer.

"He pulled up behind me, rolled down the passenger side window and said he was looking for a police officer to arrest him," Ian McCollin, chief of police in Vernon, Vermont, said in an interview on Wednesday. "When I asked him why, he replied 'I'm drunk."'

To make matters worse, the drunk driver was operating on a suspended license, which was taken away after a previous drunk driving charge, McCollin said.

Bryan Condo, 28, was driving on a quiet Vermont road at night when he asked McCollin to take him in. Since drivers rarely pull over police cruisers, a cautious McCollin called a colleague for backup with an amused "You won't believe this one."

"I was a little concerned but I also wanted him to hear the story too," he said. "I was afraid they'd think I was senile or losing my mind."

Police discovered Condo, a resident of North Pownal in Western Vermont, was four times over the legal limit and charged him with driving under the influence as well as driving without a license.

Condo was released hours after his arrest and will be arraigned on August 17. He could not be reached for comment.

"This guy was hilarious," McCollin said. "And he was very cooperative and polite, unlike your average drunk driver."

Juliet Seeks Romeo or Rogelio or Rigoberto

2004-08-04T00:45:00.000-07:00

Continuing our series of Yahoo Personal Ads, today we bring you, The Perfect Match to the previous post by the Puerto Rican Papi.

Linda Mami waitin4her sweet cute latino
In my own words:

Hey sexy papi latinos I'm a sweet beautiful latina who has been single for 1and a half and is ready for her prince to save her from her single life. What makes me unique is my character and my good sense of humor.(As opposed everyone else's character NOT making THEM unique) What i am looking for is a handsome, latino who will like me for who I am (again, wtf is the alternative? or not like you for who you are? like you for WHAT you do and not who you are? like your sister for who she is or WHAT she does?) and who is sweet good sense of humor and someone in whom i will feel comfortable and protected. (Nothing our 18 year old Rican Papi can't handle)

Julius Caesar's Salad

2004-08-03T12:12:00.000-07:00

razzy: hey what does it mean when a guy says he wants a tossed salad and its sexual...
armenaut: LOL
razzy: haha my friend asked me bc her bf said that when she was ACTUALLY EATING A TOSSED SALAD

La Cage Aux Folles

2004-07-25T10:33:00.000-07:00

I'm working my last show at Royce Hall, during the first half before intermission my manager Matt, his younger brother Steve (working concessions that night), Hillary (working concessions with Steve), and myself are sitting behind the bar and shooting the breeze about potential careers.

Me: "Oh so you want to go to law school?"
Hillary: "Yeah...my dad actually wants to be an accountant."
Me: "Accountants kick ass...I mean I understand it's number crunching but they also tell you how to beat the system with your taxes. They're like the modern day Robin Hoods."
Hillary: "I'm going to tell my dad that. He has a good sense of humor so he'd love that...he's the only accountant I know who wears an earring."
Matt: "Your dad wears an earring?"
Hillary: "Yeah and during the holidays he wears a pinecone earring...that he actually made."
Matt: "Holy fuck and I thought only our dad was gay." (Matt and Steve's dad, Chris, came out after 19 years of marriage and three sons)
Hillary: "No my dad's not gay, he'll just get these small pinecones, spray paint them with gold paint and add sprinkles."
Matt and Steve together: "Ummmm"
Hillary: "My dad's not gay"
Steve: "It's not like our dad was the straightest dad ever before he came out...'Hey guys Linda Ronstadt is on.'"
Hillary: "oh my god, my dad has a poster of Linda Ronstadt. He said my mom would never let him put it up before."
All: "umm"
Matt: "Why ISN'T your dad gay?"
Hillary: "He just isn't. He's a very happy guy..."
Me: "You might say happy...you might say jubilant...you might say GAY."
Hillary: "He is not gay"
Matt: "Yeah but why?"
Hillary: "He just isn't...I mean he's the type who would come out if he was...he has no reason not to come out."
Steve: "Oh that makes sense...somewhat"
Hillary: "Well he lives in San Francisco"
All: Outburst of laughter
Hillary: "And he wears neon hot pink shorts when he rides his bike."

*Intermission Begins*

L.A. Confidential

2004-07-23T12:22:00.000-07:00

Let me start off by saying that I’m not really a basketball fan; I’m more of a hockey and baseball fan. Normally I don’t give two shits about the circus known as the “Lakers.” However, something caught my eye in the paper, Jeanie Buss (the owner’s daughter) gave an in the Times. I do not want go in depth about Shaq, Kobe, Phil, and etc. because that would take too fucking long. I will just say this; Jerry Buss is fucking senile. Ok back to Jeanie, I’ve been told she’s posed in playboy, but despite some rigorous research I could not find the pictures. In the interview Jeanie says, “My dad needed answers. He needed to know which direction the team was going.” Well she took her dad’s side, over her boyfriend, but that was a tough call. Besides she “works” for the Lakers and I doubt Phil would want to support her ass. A few lines later she says, “I know that from my own situation. I haven't made it any secret that I have been looking for a commitment from Phil on a personal level in regards to marriage that he has just not been comfortable giving me.” WHOA! Let me address things in order:

1.) This is the L.A. Times Sports section, not Jerry Springer Weekly.

2.) That definitely DOES NOT make you sound desperate, some women drop hints and others tell the whole world hoping to embarrass and entrap their boyfriends into marriage. Either way is good.

3.) Phil is damn near 60 years old, rich, and has about four kids… why would he need a wife? (In a shrill feminist’s voice) Because every King needs a Queen, Every man needs a woman to stand by him and support him! Support? Oh you mean not always taking her dad’s side? Not badmouthing her man in the papers? Well he’ll need someone to take care of him when he gets really old or sick. That’s what the kids are for, if they don’t want to then that’s what the money is for.

Mr. Adzhemyan Goes to Armacost

2004-07-19T10:42:00.000-07:00

Ok this is my blog for now and this is how I got the job.
Armen: I need a favor!
Me: What now?
Armen: I'm gonna be really busy for the next few weeks... can you write the blog until then?
Me: What are you afraid you'll lose your loyal fan base if you dont write anything for two weeks?
Armen (trying to be a tough negotiator): Look! Do you want the job or not? It's between you and Robert and I don't want long posts about Western Philosophy.
Me: Yeah Robs would suck.
Armen: So should I ask Robert or are you up for it?
Me: I'm your Huckleberry.

Slight changes were made to make me look better and Armen worse but Robert's image was not changed.

The Bourne Identity Change

2004-07-19T10:34:00.000-07:00

The following has been bugging me for a few years; I need to get this off my chest as badly as Pamela Anderson’s career needed a boob job. Why is it that two groups completely opposite of one another can each be “pro”? I’m talking about the pro-choice people and the pro-life people. I understand that the catchy names help recruit members and all that other marketing and psychological shit. However, one of them needs to change their name. I mean antibacterial soaps aren’t called “pro-health” or “pro-sanitary” are they? Therefore, one of them needs to be called the anti-life group or anti-choice group. Besides this would make choosing a side a lot easier. What Senator is going to say “I have always been anti-choice, just look at my record I even voted against adding green M&Ms.” Or “How dare you call me a pro-lifer I’m more anti-life than Dr. Kevorkian.” I realize this will probably hurt one of the groups but it will put my mind at ease and in the long run it will bring people together, people that have been separated by this divisive issue.

Next entry will cover why the Abolitionists were out pissing while names were handed out. Also, I don’t want to hear how I am supporting murder or how I’m a fascist taking away people’s rights. I was ambiguous for a reason, I do not have a stand on the issue and frankly don’t care because I am neither a woman nor a fetus.

2004-07-18T14:37:00.000-07:00

ADMIN NOTE: Since I'm going to be very busy the next couple of weeks and since Johnson is still working 40 hours a week, I have asked my brother to guest blog for a bit. He is an incoming transfer to UCLA via Los Angeles Valley College. More importantly, I have a feeling his posts will gain more popularity than any of ours ever did. Enjoy Vardan's blogging.

When a Man Loves a Woman

2004-07-18T14:24:00.000-07:00

This is a new series that I'm trying out with a dry hump run. The concept? Yahoo Personals of dumb guys. Simple enough.

rican papi looken for dat 1 grl
Age: 18; Los Angeles
In my own words:

aight im the type of guy that actually sits and listens, i party, drink only at parties, im a funny guy, im good looken and athletic, im sensitive and a good dresser,im a clean cut boy,looke for that grl that will hold me down, take care of me and me of her, a that wen she aint feelen good she will tell whats up. she has to respect herslf and me, be able to hang wit me at parties and she has to bo a good dancer. aight anything else u wana know just gat back at me. peace!

I would really like to hear comments on this one as I have not yet decided if these are funny to begin with, if I should add my own commentary, leave them be, etc. Below I'm posting the same add with my commentary.

rican papi looken for dat 1 grl
Age: 18; Los Angeles
In my own words:

aight im the type of guy that actually sits and listens, (but can't write) i party, drink only at parties, (BECAUSE I'M FUCKING UNDERAGE, WILL YOU PLEASE BUY ME BOOZE...PLEASE?) im a funny guy, im good looken and athletic, im sensitive and a good dresser, (Gay) im a clean cut boy, (Gay) looke for that grl that will hold me down, take care of me and me of her, (read: I might go down on you if you deep throat it) a that wen she aint feelen good she will tell whats up. (read: when you're on the rag, give me a 3 day head start so I can avoid you) she has to respect herslf and me, be able to hang wit me at parties and she has to bo a good dancer. (body of a stripper but instead of worshipping the almighty dollar you should worship me) aight anything else u wana know just gat back at me. peace! (Please contact for HS diploma viewing hours)

Saving Private Moron

2004-07-17T02:31:00.000-07:00

AP Reports this little gem regarding Francisco Zambrano of New Haven, CT.

The story is incredibly funny in its own right, but I'm seriously wondering if the guy has some fucking mental disability or something to be that paranoid. At the very least he's not a good student of history (e.g. GO TO CANADA AND WAIT FOR A PRESIDENTIAL PARDON!!!!)

The original newspaper accounts reported that he paid $100 for his friend to shoot him. For a hundred bucks, I would have taken the time to make sure there's NO CHANCE whatsoever of him being drafted. ;) He should sue to get his money back.

The Panic Room

2004-07-13T16:35:00.000-07:00

Would you use it?

View from outside...

View from inside

Update:
BBK: Dude you don;t even know how bad I want to go to that bathroom!!!
armenaut: LOL
armenaut: are you serious?
armenaut: it's freaky
BBK: Make weird noises from inside and watch people's reactions
BBK: animal noises
BBK: fucking sounds
BBK: grunting and the normal battling with shit" sounds
BBK: Opera singing
BBK: Whatever!! You name it!!
BBK: It would be so fun!!!

Update 2

HoJu Simpson 10: i could never pee in that bathroom
HoJu Simpson 10: maybe shit
HoJu Simpson 10: but not piss
armenaut: why shit but not piss?
armenaut: you'd hit the glass?
HoJu Simpson 10: its like one of those gay urinals at ballparks where everyone can see you piss and it seems like everyones staring at someone else
HoJu Simpson 10: I'd shit there bc its almost like shitting in the street except this time ppl wont run away
armenaut: LOL
HoJu Simpson 10: if i were pissing there Id stop go outside and tell that ryan seacrest looking guy to turn around
HoJu Simpson 10: "do you mind? Im trying to piss here"
armenaut: LMAO

Saved By The Armenaut: The College Years

2004-07-13T12:34:00.000-07:00

Dumbass: hey
armenaut: yes um
Dumbass: i have a quick question
armenaut: as opposed to a slow drawn out interrogation?
Dumbass: sure lol
armenaut: fire awya
armenaut: away
Dumbass: it might sound stupid...but when you enroll in classes it is just for fall correct?
armenaut: might sound stupid?
armenaut: why did you even doubt that it's for the fall?
Dumbass: well i figured we just sign up for fall classes but i looked ahead and winter classes are filling up and some closed...that confused me
armenaut: trust me, no winter classes are filled up or closed
armenaut: you're looking at Winter 04 probably
Dumbass: omg ur right
Dumbass: im such a nerd
Dumbass: why do they keep those up still?
armenaut: for people like me to reminisce
Dumbass: haha ok
Dumbass: was that quick enough?
armenaut: this is going into the blog if you don't mind
Dumbass: blog?
armenaut: ignore
armenaut: blah
Dumbass: ok
armenaut: damn my conscience
Dumbass: what?
armenaut: http://armacostproject.blogspot.com
Dumbass: ohhh
armenaut: i'm going to post this convo there
Dumbass: oh god no
Dumbass: lol
Dumbass: must you post one of the lamest things ive ever said? or is that the point
armenaut: :-D
Dumbass: greeeaatt
Dumbass: at least change my sn a lil
armenaut: ok
Dumbass: knowing you it will prolly be Rscl**** [she omitted one vowel from her original sn]...make it ....Dumbass instead

Mission(ary) Impossible (Updated)

2004-07-12T17:57:00.000-07:00

Yahoo reports this from Reuters

TEHRAN (Reuters) - An Iranian man who struck a suicide pact with his new bride over their guilt for having pre-marital sex is being held by police after he backed out on his side of the bargain, judiciary officials said on Sunday.

The couple, who were not named, had been married for just two days when, "due to their guilty consciences for having illicit sexual relations, they decided to kill each other at the same time," the official said.

The man helped to hang his wife but then changed his mind about killing himself and handed himself in to police in the northeastern Khorasan province, the official told the ISNA student news agency.

Pre-marital sex is taboo in the Islamic state where some girls have to go through a virginity test before tying knot.

Update
HoJu Simpson 10: yeah... having premarital sex is MUCH worse than assisted suicide
armenaut: the fact that he pussied out at the end
armenaut: fucking loser
HoJu Simpson 10: maybe it was just a clever way of getting rid of his annoying wife or getting out of the marriage
HoJu Simpson 10: poor guy was probably looking for some ass
HoJu Simpson 10: next thing he knows hes married to some crazy bitch

The Birds.

2004-07-12T00:09:00.000-07:00

After spending the past weekend at home, I have come to realize nothing is more entertaining, and disturbing at the same time, than following the antics of my grandpa.

Background

The man is 79, but somewhat younger if asked by a female (he's 33 years widowed). He has suffered two heart-attacks and a partial removal of his pancreas (though he contends the heart attacks were nothing more than upset stomach but the doctors lied about it to milk Medi-Care). He's OCD ad nauseam (I enjoy leaving money around as he's particularly fearful of the germs on dollar bills).

Cue latest Alfred Hitchcock threat

A few days ago, what appears to be a baby Song Sparrow landed in our backyard (it cannot fly, so we still do not know how it got there). Its mother and father are always nearby bringing it food and chasing away the neighborhood cats. They put up quite a fight. Unfortunately on Friday, they took my grandpa for a threat and sort of attacked him as well. Instead of running into a phone booth, my grandpa did the most logical thing he could think of--grab a broom and chase after the mother fuckers. And boy did he give a good chase. Honestly, you basically have my brother and myself laughing hysterically (actually just trying not to laugh hysterically) as grandpa walks back and forth around the house with a blue broomstick in hand chasing the mother and father of a baby Song Sparrow that cannot yet fly...because they thought he was a threat to their young offspring. If only I had a camera...

The Truth About Homoeroticism

2004-07-09T17:56:00.000-07:00

Armen driving northbound on Westwood Blvd. We look over to our left at an SUV with legs out of the window.

Johnson: wow, nice legs..
Armen: dude, yeah.. *smile*
Silence...
Armen: I think they're not shaven..
Johnson: really? I can't see that clearly..
Armen: (moves up a little) it could be a guy..
Johnson: awhh hell no..!
Armen: dude, I think he's a guy..
Johnson: that's so fucked up.. that fag..
Armen: yeah, what a fucking fag...
Johnson: yeah dude, we should just walk up to him and say, "hey nice legs, faggot.."

The point of this clarification was.. Carl (Armen) is not as straight as his original post made him out to be.. he did partake in the enjoyment of the leg-viewing initially.. lastly, that fag needs to be shot.. =P

Driving Miss Daisy While Homoerotic

2004-07-09T00:17:00.000-07:00

Armen driving his light blue 1990 Corollo Northbound on Westwood Blvd, stopped at red light on Wilshire intersection. Johnson in passenger seat.

Johnson: (Looks over to car on driver side) "Wow, nice legs"
Armen: (Looks at legs hanging out from passenger side window of an SUV) "Yeah...but I think they may not be shaved."
Johnson: "Really?"
Armen: (Squinting) "Yeah they're not shaved...actually...I think it's a guy." (Let's car creep forward a little to get a look at the passenger). "Yep, it's a guy."
Johnson: "Awwww geez"
Armen: "I know...fucking fag."
Johnson: "Seriously...'Hey nice legs faggot.'"

I believe our parents did not follow this guideline. And for that we are this week's Armacost Hall of Shame inductees. (Note the site is not really a church website, though their forums are quite entertaining)

John Edwards Scissorhands

2004-07-06T14:31:00.000-07:00

armenaut: what do you think of the choice for edwards?

HoJu Simpson 10: Righties: Hes a fake, unpopular in the south, wealthy (hence hypocrite bc he's a rich lawyer who talks about being poor) and second-choice to McCain

HoJu Simpson 10: Armenites aka liberals: He's a man of the people, popular, self-made man who can carry the south for the dems

HoJu Simpson 10: Me: I wouldnt give two shits if Kerry chose Tom the cat or Jerry the mouse as long as Bush is out in 2004

armenaut: thanks

Beavis and Butthead Do Birth of a Nation

2004-07-05T17:54:00.000-07:00

In honor of Independence Day, I'm posting the following e-mail I received. I would be interested to independently verify some of the claims, though they remain plausable nonetheless. Enjoy. (Note: Those bolded are crimes this blogger would be found guilty of, the book these are taken from was published in 1972, and thanks to BBK for the heads up).

On the Fourth of July we remember the birth of this nation. So, why not remember some of its stupidity as well! Sandwiched among our country’s sound and workable statutes, there are hundreds of cockeyed ordinances that remain to clutter up our law books because no one has gotten around to repealing them. Some of these may have by now been rescinded, but many are just left to be ignored.

California:

--In Los Angeles it is illegal to shoot at a hare or jackrabbit from a trolley car in transit

District of Columbia:

--It is illegal to catch a fish while on horseback
--It is illegal for a man to engage in a pugilistic encounter with a bull

Florida:

--A Winter Garden ordinance states that it is against the law to escape from jail

Georgia:

--It is against the law to open an umbrella in front of a mule
--In Atlanta it is illegal to have musical horns play “Rock-a-Bye-Baby” on diaper-service laundry trucks
--It is against the law to slap a man on the back
--To make faces at school children while they are studying in the classroom is unlawful in Atlanta
--In Columbus it is against the law for cats to howl after 9 P.M.

Illinois:

--A law in Zion prohibits teaching household pets to smoke cigars
--A local ordinance forbids making ugly faces at a fellow citizen

Indiana:

--A law forbids anyone to lead young ladies astray while teaching them to roller skate [Possibly a hung jury with some legal finagling]

Kentucky:

--In Berea any animal on the streets after dark must prominently display a red tail-light
--State law maintains that a person is sober until he cannot hold onto the ground

Louisiana:

--It costs less to bite a person with your natural teeth (simple assault) than with fake teeth (aggravated assault) [Though I'd probably be charged with multiple counts of simple assault, negating any tactical advantage granny may have had with her false teeth]

Maine:

--State law makes it illegal for anyone to set a mule on fire
--State law maintains that people who walk along the streets with shoelaces untied are subject to a fine
--According to state law, a wife can sue to recover the money her husband loses in a poker game

Maryland:

--It is against the law to knock a freight train off the tracks
--In Hagerstown it is illegal to cross a street by using a rope suspended above it

Michigan:

--It is unlawful to hitch a crocodile to a fire hydrant in Detroit
--In Kalamazoo it is illegal for a man to serenade his girlfriend [Also hung jury]

Minnesota:

--It is illegal to display both men’s and women’s undergarments on the same clothesline

Mississippi:

--In Natchez it is unlawful for elephants to drink beer
--It is illegal to shave in the center of Main Street in Tylertown
--The town of Star has a law prohibiting anyone from ridiculing the public architecture [Though I'm sure the people of Star have produced some fine architects, I've been one of the first to bitch and moan about Frank Gehry's Disney Concert Hall here in LA. And don't get me started on Our Lady of the Angels Cathedral]

Nebraska:

--Barbers in Waterloo are forbidden to eat onions between 7 A.M. and 7 P.M.
--Halsey law states that the town constable shall at all times remember his manners
--In Omaha it is illegal to sneeze or burp during church services [Hehe, I've pissed off my parents on more than one occasion with silent but deadly bombs...oh yeah and a sneeze or two.]
--It is illegal for burglars to come in or go out the front door in Lincoln

New Hampshire:

--State law holds that, when two motor vehicles meet at a highway intersection, each shall come to a full stop and neither shall proceed until the other has gone

New York:

--In Brooklyn donkeys are not allowed to sleep in bathtubs
--In New York City it is against the law to carry a skeleton into a tenement house
--It is against the law to sit on newspapers on the beach on Coney Island

North Carolina:

--Elephants may not be used to plow cotton fields
--A state law makes it illegal to sing out of tune [I feel bad for Lennon and McCartney whose precious "We Can Work It Out" was butchered after a night of drunken karaokeing...especially the John Lennon portions of the song]

South Carolina:

--In Anderson it is illegal to curl up on the railroad tracks for a nap

Ohio:

--In Cleveland it is illegal for two men to drink out of the same whiskey bottle and get drunk at the same time

-Taken from Dick Hyman's Cockeyed Americana

Speaking of Moses

2004-07-01T01:57:00.000-07:00

Though we here at the Armacost project like to reflect on first hand factual information, this was just too good to pass up (maybe it's the history nerd in me that thinks this, but oh well).

The Onion has this story about the Great Pyrmaid being built in honor of President Reagan.

It reads in part...

SIMI VALLEY, CA—Slave manpower was doubled this week in an effort to ensure that erection of the gigantic Reagan Pyramid remains on schedule to be completed in time for the 40th president's mummification and ascension into the Afterworld.

Swift completion of the towering structure is "of paramount priority," according to Republican Party insiders.

"Only the most gigantic tomb ever created will be worthy of the Great Communicator," former Reagan Secretary of Defense Caspar Weinberger said. "As his mortal subjects, it is our holy duty to provide Reagan with a burial commensurate with his stature, in order that he may enter the Realm of Death bedecked with raiments and honors so that he may take his rightful place beside the mighty Sun God, Ra."

The 10 Commandments of War

2004-06-30T02:32:00.000-07:00

The Christian Broadcasting Network's 700 club has Operation Breakthrough as a means of aiding the war effort. The best part...

Now is the time to unite in prayer and seek God for a breakthrough in these days ahead. For 21 days we are asking you to join with us and pray for 7 urgent points of prayer. Here they are:

Divine intervention and spiritual breakthrough in Iraq
Successful transition of power in Iraq
Supernatural protection of our troops and Coalition forces
The capture of key terrorist leaders
Divine protection of the United States
Guidance for President Bush and his administration
Hope, stability and peace in the Middle East

Just as a reference point, "It was now two days before the Passover and the feast of Unleavened Bread. And the chief priests and the scribes were seeking how to arrest him by stealth, and kill him; for they said, 'Not during the feast, lest there be a tumult of the people.'" (Mark 14.1-2, hmmm I smell a terrorist)

Meet the Parents

2004-06-24T22:48:00.000-07:00

This e-bay auction is probably one of the funniest I've seen. Here's the description if you don't want to bother clicking on the link.

Parents please let your children read this auction.

It was a glory day when my son received his Play Station 2. This beloved machine was his prize possession. He played, if not for hours at a time. When he would not take care of anything else, but he took care of this little treasure of his. Ground him, take away phone privileges………….anything but this PS2.

UP FOR AUCTION OR

FOR SALE DUE TO PUNISHMENT

PLAY STATION 2

PS2

USED

PLAYS GREAT! ASK MY SON

CHICKNWING@SBCGLOBAL.NET

COMES WITH TWO CONTROLERS

SOME TYPE OF MEMORY CARD

NO GAMES

NO RESERVE

Here is the story: This weekend my 13 year old son decided to be destructive, deceptive and disobedient. I had a bugle I was selling on Ebay and while I was out he decided to “play” with it. Sunday morning when the auction was to end, He picked up the bugle and asked me if I knew it was broken. He handed me the bugle which he had “played” with and both solder joints were broken and since it was out of alignment the slide is now stiff.

Lets back up one night. That was the tip of the iceberg. Saturday night I send my son & his friend to the skating rink like the rest of the parents. I was to pick him up from the skating rink after it ended. Well he went home, while I was not there with his friend and they invited someone I do not know to the house while WE were not there. I get home about 11:30 PM and find the house is wrecked. Beer was missing. Confronted son and friends about beer…Yes they had drank the beer. -$6.00 Strike one!

Get up the next morning only the find the mysteriously broken bugle! -$51.00 Strike Two!

Here is the kicker…………..Husband finds the corkscrew in the floor and part of a cork in the floor. Ask son who is play his beloved Play Station 2 if he has any thing he would like to tell us?

Son- “No”

Dad- “Really?

Son- “No”

Dad- “what did you use this corkscrew for?”

Son- “To open the beer.”

Dad- “What about this cork?”

Son- “What cork?”

Dad- “This cork.”

Son “Oh, THAT cork. I drank some wine too.”

Dad- “Well I hope you enjoyed that because it cost $120.00 a bottle!”

LET THE YELLING BEGIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That’s right my 13 year old son drank a bottle of Dom Perignon champagne- 1995. PUT IT BACK IN THE FRIDGE WITH PART OF A CORK AND THE LITTLE METAL THING BACK ON TOP! -$120.00.

THAT BOTTLE OF CHAMPAGNE WAS A GIFT THAT WE HAVE BEEN SAVING FOR OVER A YEAR FOR THAT “SPECIAL” OCCASION.

SO I AM MINUS ABOUT $177 FOR THIS WEEKEND LITTLE ANTICS. NOT TO MENTION THE AGGRAVATION OF THE ARUGING, LYING AND DECEPTION. I AM NOT GOING TO PUT UP WITH THAT KIND OF BEHAVIOR FROM A CHILD. EVEN A 6’3” 13 YEAR OR ANY ONE WHO DISRESPECTS ME & MY STUFF.

SO CHILDREN LISTEN UP DO NOT DISRESPECT YPUR PARENTS YOUR FRIENDS OR YOURSELF BECAUSE US PARENTS ARE SMARTER THAN YOU AND WE WILL FIND OUT ABOUT ANY AND ALL THINGS YOU TRY TO HIDE.

I AM SELLING THOS PRIZE possession TO RECOOP WHAT I LOST.

THIS IS NOT THE ACTUAL PICTURE BUT I WILL ADD ONE OF THE ACTUAL SYSTEM WHEN I GET A CHANCE TO TAKE A PICTURE.

HAPPY BIDDING!

Octapussy

2004-06-22T10:54:00.000-07:00

Cinderslpr reports seeing a guy at a restaurant with his wife and three young children wearing a shirt with a picture of pink cats and the following writing, "How do you like your pussy?"

In my perpetual exhausted state, I've thought of the following answers:

With fertilized eggs
Uterus occupied
Stretched...way stretched
Not bleeding
Shaven, at the maternity ward

Submit yours.

Update 1 (by Johnson)

Pink and furry
purrrrrrrrrrrfect one
obedient

The Return of the Passion of the Christ

2004-06-16T00:23:00.001-07:00

I really don't want to knock anyone's faith, but there are certain things about absolute belief in any religion that just strike me as funny. The following is one of them. Ad in LA Times California Section, June 15, 2004. (non-italicized paranthetical notes the editor's.)

8 COMPELLING REASONS WHY CHRIST IS COMING VERY SOON! (How to be prepared for History's greatest event)

The evidence for the soon return of Jesus Christ is overwhelming. It could be any moment. One scholar lists 167 converging clues just in the last few years of this millennium. The following are eight:

1) Israel's rebirth -- As Jesus prophesied, the Jews were scattered during the Jewish-Roman war of AD 70 (Luke 21:24). Also prophesied to occur before Christ's return, the nation of Israel was miraculously reborn on may 14, 1948. Israel is called "God's time clock."

(Talk about a broken watch. So to pave the way for Christ's second coming, God kills a third of all European Jewery [God's chosen people my ass], sends some of them to Palestine, helps them found the State of Israel, sets nearly all the Arab world against them [or maybe the Anti-Christ did this one to prevent the second coming...oh wait...War in Iraq...ah got it] and so now we wait for Jesus' arrival at Ben Gurion Int'l Airport. Hope He clears El Al security.)

2) Plummeting morality -- Studies show a shocking break-down just since mid-century.

(STUDIES????? This is not subjective or anything. I can think of a few ancient artifacts that show morality hasn't been top notch through time. Yes he is balancing that thing on his cock.

3) Famines, violence, and wars -- Jesus said the signs before His return would come as intensifying birth pangs, seeing increased famines, violence and wars, a clear picture of our planet. One of six people on earth suffers from hunger. Violence is epidemic. A study of wars since 500B.C. shows a recent dramatic increase. More than 100 conflicts have errupted since 1990, about twice the number for previous decades.

(I love this one. Hmm let me see, Jesus uses a miracle to create bread and wine for people to eat and he's whining about modern conditions. At least we have starvation limited to a single continent now...Africa. The best part is the study of wars since 500B.C. Since people wrote down about every little ethnic flare up, we know the measurement is accurate. What about World fucking War II? You know the one where genocide reigned supreme? Didn't think Jesus was coming then did you?)

4) Increase in earthquakes -- Also prophesied to be as birth pangs, a recent study shows a dramatic increase in earthquakes worldwide, just since the decade of Israel's rebirth. In the 1940's there were 51 above Richter 6.0; the 1950's 475; the 1980's 1,085; and teh 1990's 1,514.

(This has no correlation with improvements in seismic technology.)

5) Explosion of travel and education -- Two key conditions described about 2,500 years ago for the Second Coming are that "travel and education shall be vastly increased" (Daniel 12:4). In all of history, the vast increase in travel has come just since mid-century with the explosion of both ground and air transportation; in education with advance of science and computers.

(If I was Guttenberg I'd be rolling over in my grave. Or the guy who invented the wheel. I dislike Microsoft as the next person, but to call it the Anti-Christ, that's a tad extreme...though probably called for.)

6) Explosion of cults and the occult. Counterfeit spirituality is everywhere with cults and false Christs, psychic phenomena, spiritism, Satan worship, witchcraft, nature worship and the New Age movement. What is cult or the occult? See FREE REPORTS below.

(This speaks for itself...I'd just like to add that pagan worship was sort of predominant before...say like the Roman Empire circa 29 AD).

7) The New World Order. Incrased centralization of world financial and political power is a prelude to the soon-coming world power system in the hands of "Antichrist," who will be the incarnation of Satan and who will deceive most of the world. Beware of "the mark of the beast." See FREE REPORTS below.

(Hmm, see Roman Empire once again. In fact, I think he's outright wrong, Caesar was the anti-Christ. No wait, it was Napoleon.)

8) Increase in both apostasy and faith -- the Bible predicts in the last days, "A form of godliness, although they have denied its power" (2 Tim 3:5). Today many churches deny eternal truths of Scripture and power of the Holy Spirit, replacing them with ungodly, temporal and "politically correct" values. But also, a prophesied outpouring of God's Spirit is causing hundred's of millions worldwide to come to trust faith in Christ in record numbers, virtually unnoticed by the media.

(Where to begin...first, why is "politically correct" in quotes. It's an actual term. Idiot. Second, "many churches deny eternal truths of Scripture..." oh like Islam, Buddhism, Judaism...? Third, who the fuck keeps track of the "record numbers?" The Guiness Book of Forced Conversion records? I'd really like to challenge his records with the conversions of late Medieval Spain. I mean to get all the Muslims in Iberia to convert...that was something. None of this Bible thumping, white-shirt black-tie bike riding conversion shit. Also, speaking of records, someone should tell this douchebag that Islam is the fastest growing religion in the world. Thought I'd throw in that bit of 411)

The Escape Plan

Christ's death and resurrection have opened the way to heaven and life with the Father forever for all who put their trust in Him and His great sacrifice on our behalf. Christ will soon come and rescue His people from the approaching "Great Tribulation". He will later rule and bring peace on earth--after He judges the world and every person.

God's judgment is, indeed, coming on a world in rebellion. He cannot deny His nature. (Isn't this a contradiction for an ultimate being? Just an observation) His attributes of perfect hoiness and justice demand judgment for sin, of which we are all guilty.

The result of sin is death, or separation from God. "For the wages of sin is death" (Romans 6:23). Wages are somethign we earn, or deserve.

But "God is love" (1 John 4:8). Is "love" in conflict with "judgment?" Answer: God's wisdom reconciled the dilemma--the Son of God would take all our judgment upon Himself! "But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us" (Romans 5:8).

To escape God's judgment, we each must receive His free gift of forgiveness and love (some fucking quote). A gift is something we do not earn or deserve.

(Ok, so YOUR path to salvation is the one. Check. Gift you say? So if I sign for this can I get a calendar? Maybe a toaster?)

How to Receive Him

...The following is a suggested prayer:

(to the tune of Batman theme song, "nananananananana leader....leader...leader" or "The leader is good, the leader is great, we surrender our will as of this date.")

"Lord Jesus, I believe you are the Song of God and that you died on the cross for my sins to save me from eternal death. I open the door of my life and receive you as my Savior and Lord. I give you my life. Hlep me to be what you want me to be. Amen."

Free Reports

Send a self-addressed stamped business size envelope to receive three exciting free reports: (1) "Seven Incomparable Benefits of Trusting Christ" (2) "Beware: The Mark of the Beast!" (3) "What is a Cult or the Occult?"

Send your envelope to:

Christ's Soon Return
P.O. Box 1464
Bloomington, IL 61702-1464

You have our sincere pledge that your name and address will never be used for funds solicitation, sold, or used for any other purpose. This ad is paid for by a concerned private contribution. No group is represented.

(nanananananana leader...leader...leader)

Get on the (Blue Ball) Bus

2004-06-10T21:01:00.000-07:00

These are a series of stories about oddities that happened to you on the Santa Monica Big Blue Bus (or any other bus)

BB was on Line 1 on her way home with only one African-American gentleman sitting next to her on the back of the bus when an elderly Asian man (henceforth Douchebag) got on with his cane. He sits in the front but continually stares at the back. At the subsequent stop he moves to the back and attempts to have a conversation. BB, assumes, like anyone else, that Douchebag's lonely looking for someone to talk to. She provides one word answers but nothing much more. Douchebag then asks if she's living alone. BB answers, "No, I live with my two brothers."

Douchebag: "Where?"

BB: "Around here."

Douchebag: "Can you help me find an apartment near you?"

BB: "Ummmmmmm..."

Douchebag then pulls out an envelope and hands it to her. BB, "what's this?"

Douchebag: "Look inside...look...look."

She looks and it's a bunch of twenties, one after the other.

Douchebag: "If you let me take you out to dinner, a movie, and then take you back home with me, you can keep that."

BB: "Umm no thanks."

Douchebag: "yes yes you can keep that."

BB: "NO"

Douchebag: "I should take a picture of you so I remember when we met."

BB: (with book in front of her face to cover herself) "No, don't take a picture."

Douchebag: "Yes yes picture..."

BB: "no"

Black guy: "Look man she said no..."

Douchebag: "I just want her pict..."

Black guy: "Don't take her picture!"

BB: "Oh this is my stop...look there's my brother to pick me up."

(She got on the next bus)

Message in an AIM Bottle

2004-06-02T19:15:00.000-07:00

There are certain times when some people just have the weirdest away messages up. If any of the following is you, don't take offense, come up with others like it.

*******************
i have vaseline all over my body
*******************
Taping up the wrist then some VBall 8-) I't been a great day
*******************
fuck.
*******************
I'm washing my car.. she needs to be bathed... especially after someone FUCKING vomits on her.. =)
*******************
KILL ME.
*******************
Ok heres the thing, I have a pretty good memory with most things but I suck at remembering stuff Ive said. So Im having this competition where ppl can send the funniest thing I have said and the person who sends the funniest one gets either a mystery prize (possibly an elephant) or 5 bucks. Winner gets to choose. Also, I realize how narcissistic this seems so theres no reason to point it out.
*******************

Under Siege 3: Segal, Van Damme, Willis, Schwarzenegger, Stallone, and YOU????

2004-05-28T01:30:00.000-07:00

Latest NBC Show: "The Next Action-Star."

From its ad: "Watch as 20 people live under the same roof and battle it out for the ultimate prize...a chance to star in an action motion picture."

Is it just me or are reality shows getting better and better? I mean $1,000,000 for staying on some exotic island for 3 weeks, versus STARRING IN YOUR OWN ACTION FLICK (perhaps in the sequel to Eraser or Daylight).

Dirt Devil's Advocate

2004-05-27T14:02:00.000-07:00

I love customer disservice. I really do. Nothing else could piss me off enough to inspire me to write them this. (Written to Dirt Devil's Online Customer feedback form after phone contacts failed.)

Wow, truly amazing customer service. I especially love the part how the call is dropped just as you are transferred to the customer service line...three times. I'm assuming there's a chicken sitting at the switchboard watching ESPN News as call after call is sent to this no man's zone. I mean, seriously, how many people call with a question about a fucking vacuum cleaner. You just plug it in and push around. Smart move.

In short, I hope the Iguana reading this e-mail knows where I can get a replacement filter HOLDER, the little round thing for the M088500 featherlite that my roommate thought you toss with the filter. Any croaking sound you make would be much appreciated dear iguana.

Warmest Regards,
Armen Adzhemyan

P.S. There's a nice whatever it is that iguanas eat in it for you if you're half as good as the chicken manning the phone call center.

Dick Tracy 2.0 (Updated, 4)

2004-05-26T01:54:00.000-07:00

razzy... (1:31:54 AM): hey
razzy... (1:32:04 AM): dude i have a question..more of a problem thing for my friend
armenaut (1:32:35 AM): fire away, I need to quickly do something, I'll brb
razzy... (1:32:43 AM): oki
razzy... (1:33:31 AM): like i dont kno how to say it...but ok well the thing is that this guy that my friend is/was seeing (i dno friends with benefits or w/e) has a small dick...and apparently he asked her if he was small and she didnt kno what to say lol
razzy... (1:33:40 AM): so liek i told her to say it doesnt matter one other time
razzy... (1:33:52 AM): adn i guess i caused trouble kinda ish bc...she was liek then he asked waht does that mean
razzy... (1:34:31 AM): so now im kinda screwed i hope she doenst hate me ...bc she was a bit pissed during dinner...haha
armenaut (1:34:48 AM): first off
armenaut (1:34:49 AM): lmao
armenaut (1:34:56 AM): can I post this in my blog with your sn removed?
razzy... (1:35:04 AM): sure
armenaut (1:35:07 AM): thanks
armenaut (1:35:09 AM): ok
armenaut (1:35:10 AM): first
razzy... (1:35:11 AM): yeps:-)
armenaut (1:35:16 AM): you CAN'T give her any more advice
armenaut (1:35:22 AM): second
armenaut (1:35:27 AM): if a situation like that arises
razzy... (1:35:33 AM): hahahaha
armenaut (1:36:11 AM): the best thing to say is, you know what, having sex with you feels amazing because it's you not because of the dick that it's with...so I don't measure you against other penises but I compare the experience
armenaut (1:36:16 AM): and the experience is amazing
razzy... (1:36:21 AM): well she was liek my previous bf who was small...this dude was smaller i couldnt even give him a good proper handjob...and he pleased me but i was like kinda feeling sorry for him the whole time
armenaut (1:36:37 AM): I know that
armenaut (1:36:44 AM): small dicks are hard to work with
armenaut (1:36:56 AM): but you can't shatter the guy's confidence
razzy... (1:37:09 AM): nooo
razzy... (1:37:10 AM): but
armenaut (1:37:12 AM): that would just ruin the whatever little he has going for himself
razzy... (1:37:13 AM): they werent having sex
armenaut (1:37:17 AM): OHHHHHHHHHH
armenaut (1:37:22 AM): aw fuck
razzy... (1:37:23 AM): it was just a fooling aroudn hook up shit
armenaut (1:37:25 AM): and he already asked?
razzy... (1:37:25 AM): hahahahahha yes...
razzy... (1:37:28 AM): yes
armenaut (1:37:31 AM): what a dumb fuck
razzy... (1:37:34 AM): andi fuckedup remember :-)
razzy... (1:38:11 AM): yah
armenaut (1:38:23 AM): oh geez

Update 1: A task for all you gentle readers.

Symba: hahaha.. poor guy..
Symba: dumb fuck to boot.. =P
armenaut: lol...after a hand job he's asking
Symba: haha.. what a moron
Symba: if I were the girl.. I would have said... "hey, you came right..? now shut the fuck up"
armenaut: LOL....but I think she was having problems getting a grip that's the thing
Symba: haha.. tweezers.. the answer to life..
armenaut: I think she should have just mouthed his entire genitals
armenaut: then he wouldn't have asked
armenaut: in part because she wouldn't be able to answer
armenaut: in a larger part because the answer is staring him in the face
armenaut: or in the balls if you will
Symba: LOL
Symba: take in his entire penis and scrotum sack...
Symba: hahaha..
armenaut: is my dick too small?
armenaut: hmm gee let me go in for a closer look
armenaut: no it's not, my mouth is just 2 inches
Symba: "is my penis small?" "of course not.. I'm having a hard time putting both your testicles and hard cock in my mouth at the same time" =P
Symba: hahaha.. omg..
Symba: this is classic
armenaut: I think we need a continuous list of proper responses to that question.
Symba: hahaha
Symba: hell yeah
Symba: "your cock is not small.. I can hold a conversation while sucking dick with every guy........"

So, please send us your lovely suggestions for how a female (or male) should reply whenever someone asks, "Is my dick too small?"

update 2: Advice from a pro

Lindy: your advice sucks
Lindy: wait, let me finish reading and i'll explain
armenaut: sorry I haven't had many guys ask me if they have small dicks
Lindy: OMG, ok, so one of my best friends in college was a friend w/ benefits - for a very short period of time - for the reason discussed in your last entry. Funny how you mention oral because I used to tell my friend that his dick was so small I could put the whole thing in my mouth. I may have a big mouth - but not that big. But still, he was my friend so I LIED. Ya gotta do it. There is no way you can say anything but "yes your dick is huge" and not crush a man. To this day he still asks me but I know
Lindy: he has a complex because out of nowhere he says "oh, by the way, my dick has gotten bigger." Puh-leeze.
armenaut: ROTFL
Lindy: huh?
armenaut: rolling on the floor laughing
armenaut: and typing
armenaut: but mostly laughing
Lindy: hahahahaha
armenaut: can I add that?
Lindy: you can teach skill, but you can't teach size.
Lindy: sure

update 3: Advice from the guy Lindy was talking about

HighLordSchwartz: I'd give you a small dick story, but since my cock is huge, it's hard for me to relate
HighLordSchwartz: I mean, if you've got a small wang anyway, deal with the fact that you're gonna be spending a lot of time down south
HighLordSchwartz: Learn to love the taste and smell of twat
HighLordSchwartz: Try mints maybe to freshen (and liven) things up

Update 4: Advice from a pro, part II. (Note: Emphasis added to parts not familiar to this blogger)

Lindy: in re: Schwartz's "mints" comment, also try menthal halls, toothpaste, altoids, and everest gum.

(I'm personally curious as to why THAT brand of gum...and why not the listerine strips. I've "heard" things about those.)

Singing in the (Isla Vista) Rain

2004-05-20T21:07:00.000-07:00

schroederSoul (4:56:17 PM): so i was at a school production of "Visions of India" last night, there was a crapload of people in the back of our main concert hall yelling their asses off (you remember high school...where all the fat-ass black girls would just yell the names of their friend on stage?: "SHANIQUA!!!!!!! CHANTE!!!! I LOOOOVE YOOOOOOOOOOU) Yeah. Like that.
schroederSoul (4:56:47 PM): after a moment of beautiful silence between acts, some guy yells, "U-C-L-A"
schroederSoul (4:57:04 PM): there was a silence from all 800 people.
schroederSoul (4:57:18 PM): finally another guy yelled, "GO BACK."
schroederSoul (4:57:25 PM): thought you'd find that funny.
schroederSoul (4:58:03 PM): more the black girl banter. but the fact that you're being poorly-represented at SB is funny, too.

Editor's Note: *hand slapping forehead* I understand there's a need to cause commotion when a show or performance sucks (see for example our behavior during "Troy"), but this is utter idiocy...and worthy of Idiot of the Week.

Sack of Troy Sucks

2004-05-20T20:55:00.000-07:00

The movie sucks. In an effort to illustrate this, I will quote some of the things that we (as a group) and others in the theater said...actually, I'm going to include random commentaries as well.

Prof. Phillips (Ancient Greek History Prof): "Speaking of horse manure...did anyone else see Troy? The violence they did to the greatest work of literature of all time....sigh...I'm not angry.

*In the theater*
Hector's Wife to Hector: "You don't have to go"
My brother: "You can be like Paris"

Paris to Hector: "You're the biggest man I know."
Guy in the back: "You're the biggest pussy I know."

Feel free to submit your Troy horror stories. I'll add more to these as they come to mind.

Update 1:

Gerald adds (I lost the IM) that he fell asleep for the first hour of the movie. I for one congratulate Gerald. He pulled an "Armen watching Harry Potter."

For the counterview...

Some Grad student in my history class today, "I actually liked Troy."
Me: "But Achilles didn't even put on women's clothing to avoid fighting."
Him: "Euripides did more to butcher the Iliad than Petersen can ever do."

MacDonald's Adventure #1 Reloaded

2004-05-13T01:03:00.000-07:00

While Johnson takes a more direct approach, I'm a whole lot lazier and would prefer to let others do the talking for me. And so, without further ado, I present to you South Park. In this clip, Stan, Kyle, Cartman, and Kenny are pissed off because they lost their snow plowing job to people from the future who are traveling back in time to take jobs at incredibly cheap rates because things are just so bad in the future. They put their measely earnings in savings accounts and their families become wealthy in the future. Goobacks01

If the link above does not work, try going to the following address, that should do the trick. http://www.geocities.com/armenaut/index.htm

"MacDonald's" Adventure #1 - Revisited

2004-05-12T11:13:00.000-07:00

I'd like to apologize for McDonald's Adventure #1.. I realize that it may have offended some especially low-waged, low-skilled employees... Let's consider Exhibit A over here...

Dear Armacost Project,

I don't know just how to express my outrage at your racist, elitist, sexist, disgusting ruminations on how "stupid" people are at MacDonalds because of their limited knowledge of English. Calling the woman working there A BITCH for ignoring you ASSHOLES was the real kicker. Guess what, bitter, small-dicked virgins, the register was probably broken at Macdonalds, and you were the stupid fuckers for not understanding that that's what the sign meant. If you continue to mean-spiritedly and FOOLSISHLY mistake IGNORANCE for STUPIDITY, you'll find yourself intellectually in the company of the dreaded masses whom you abhor while paradoxically remaining practically and physically isolated from all but one another. If this happens, you may find yourselves wanting to move to another country. GOOD! Then you'll get to see what it's like to be ABUSED by fascist sadists like yourselves for not being able to speak the language.
News Flash and P.S., UCLA is not a very exclusive institution, so get off your "college educated" high horse- children in France study the shit we scratch our heads over here.

Sincerely,

A Low-Waged, Low-Skilled Employee

Okay, time to rip this shit to pieces:

Hi there, good sir.. How are you? I'm fine, thanks..! ok ok ok, first and foremost, the register wasn't broken, but good assumption there, my dear Watson.. I don't know how you could have deduced that the register was broken with a sign that said: "Sorry honly the drive dtrue open".. Wow, that's an awfully strange way of spelling out: "Sorry, the register is broken..." if anything, those idiots were the ones that broke the poor thing.. oh, another thing..

rumination (n.) - the act of pondering; esp: meditation..

What does this mean? You're a thesaurus whore, except, you don't research the proper usage of the words you use. We did not sit around a campfire with our hands to our knees reciting "llama llama llama llama" while thinking up this story.. Nice try at sounding smart though. Furthermore, "MacDonald's" does not exist. Although I have heard of a McDonald's.. A place of good food, and good service ("honly" sometimes). Oh, and your "FOOLSISHLY" is something to laugh about as well because I can imagine your natural tendency to type something like:

"ahh fools! you a bitch, essay.. I'ma cut your throat homes.."

Hence, your FOOLSish mistake.. April must've been a great month for you.. heh.. ahem, ok..

For someone trying so hard to sound intelligent, and so meticulously looking up words in a thesaurus, you're making some mildly simple mistakes in spelling. Ok, now we'll proceed to more comical matters. I noticed that you've made several innuendos regarding sex.. Let me recap: "small-dicked virgins," "fascist sadists".. Let me speak in your native lingo so it's clearer for you......

--look here homes.. whatchu wanna do in your own time is not my bizniss man! Dawg, I'm sorry you're a virgin 'cuz you got'a small dick, but that ain't mah fault essay. Why ya gotta hate? If you like t'be sadistic, homes, you do it with your boyfriend or somethin' man... and don't try d'hide your desires in an insult to someone else, bitch--

Ehh, that was rather difficult.. Hmm.. I'll just put it plainly for the regular folk to read.. Of the MILLIONS of insults you could have chosen to use against us, you chose "small dicked virgins" and "fascist sadists" as your ammunition.. I don't know man, but it seems you've got something to hide.. haha.. moving on...

So how would we be in the company of the dreaded masses...(ahem)...whom we abhor... while being isolated from all but ourselves..? Hey, I'm no Physics major, but how is that physically possible? Geez's man.. you're really putting that thesaurus to (good??) use.. Here's how I see it.. You started to make the argument that we'd be in the company of the people we hate (if everyone's sense of humor is much like ours, which it seems you have a major problem with, I don't see much room for hatred, that's for sure)... but then, you realized.. "shit dawg, I wanna prove the point that they hafta get outta dis country to see what'iss like to be dissed.. ok, quick, thesaurus, wha's the word for doing one thing and then doing something else tha's opposite after..? -Thesaurus Result: PARADOX- ahhh homes! I got it!" Mr. Employee, want a doggy treat now?

Hmm.. upon second thought.. I think I've just figured out the motive to your insults... omg.. I'm sorry man.. I should've realized this way before..... So how long has your mom been a manager at McDonald's? Was she working that shift? Hey, look.. I wasn't implying your mom when I said those things.. I just targeted the workers there.. I'm sure, as the great manager that she is, she does wonders for increasing revenue dollars for McDonald's. She's quite an asset to the company, I'm sure.. But I have a question, though.. How many years of great service must you provide in order to obtain management position? Get back to me on that one, because I'm genuinely curious.. You know, I understand your anger at the matter at hand.. It's evolutionarily accurate.. that a son must protect his mother (once he's grown, of course), and like the chimp that you are, you're doing exactly that..

Oh, btw, I didn't realize you were Hal Fishman.. NEWS FLASH? hahahah.. Not once have I ever placed UCLA up on any kind of pedestal to be praised, but it seems you're bitter.. hey, I can handle that.. =) But fine, I'll get off my "college educated high-horse" so that your "high-school educated donkey" won't feel so lonely way down there.. Oh, and the only thing the French have that we don't... women with HAIRY arm-pits, and escargot.. good day to you, sir..

Sexually Yours,

Johnson

P.S. - Mr. RODRIGUEZ, since you seem so WELL VERSED in your use of the thesaurus, I suggest you teach your mom how to use one also, so my friends and I don't have to stand around for hours, "ruminating" about the meaning of the cryptic messages they leave on their cashier windows. "llama llama llama llama... honly... llama llama llama llama... drive dtrue... llama llama....."

The Truth about Cats and Dogs and Chicken Taquitos.

2004-05-09T00:22:00.000-07:00

Costco Chicken Taquitos Box contains a ziplock bag to seal in the frozen taquitos. On the bag it is written:

THIS BAG CONTAINS ONE OF THE FOLLOWING ITEMS:

BEEF OR CHICKEN TAQUITOS

Actually this will be a new series of stupid corporate remarks on products.

Japanese Armene

2004-04-27T21:56:00.000-07:00

Scene: Kabuki Restaurant. Two patrons waiting for change after paying bill.

Armen: Awww fuck, I got wasabi on my wallet.
Johnson: Well you could always say, 'You know what really burns my ass? Wasabi on my wallet."

McDonald's Adventure #1

2004-04-25T23:29:00.000-07:00

Well, this past Friday, Carl and I went to McDonald's for a little Filet-o-Fun.. It's about 11:30pm and we're starved.. as he and I walk up to the window, and we notice a piece of paper posted up on the window saying: "Sorry honly the drive dtrue open".. of course, we start laughing at the idiocy involving the collaborative effort in making that sign.. I can imagine the shit that went down as they wrote it..

McDonald's College Graduate #1: "dog, how you spell 'only'?"
McDonald's College Graduate #2: "aye caramba.. why we gotta stress out like this at work homes.....? I dunno, I think it has 'h' because 'hombre' has 'h'..."
McDoanld's College Graduate #1: "ah dog, you're smart, thanks essay. honly it is, bro..."

Ok.. this is why the ridicule begins.. bitch on the other side of the glass was standing around, and gives me eye contact 3 times before she even acknolwedges my presence.. as she looks at me, I say "I have a question.." she points me around the corner to go through Drive-Thru.. She looks at me again, I said, with very much detail in my lips, "question.." she looked at me, nodded, and walked away.. I stood there for about another 2 minutes with her at this point, not even looking toward the window anymore.. I just wanted to yell out "PREGUNTA BITCH, PREGUNTA.." maybe that'd register in her feeble little mind.. geez's what an idiot.. Everyone knows my pet peeve, right..? it's stupidity.. and I mean outright stupidity.. I can't stand morons.. I know we've all fallen victim to our friend, Mr. Imbecile.. but I'm talking people who lack reasoning, socially or in any other context of life.. Be able to think reasonably given particular situations, don't be irrational, especially with the pettiest of things.. ok, so back to the story.. I walk over to the Drive-Thru window (where you pay).. btw, there's a lady sitting in an SUV there, talking to that bitch.. I nod at the woman in the SUV, walked between them, turned to the bitch and said... "I said I had a question... do... you... still... have... the... Filet... o... Fish... for... $.99... on... Fridays...?" she looked at me with astonishment that I'd be such a jerk... I'm sorry folks, I'd say for the most part, I'm usually pretty nice, but she pushed a nice button for me... by being STUPID... well, she responded, "no".. immediately after that, both Carl and I promptly walked to my car (regardless of her answer at that point, we wouldn't have bought fish from there.. probably through fear of them desecrating our beloved Filet-o-Fish by the time it reaches our grasps)...

The World of Apu Sai

2004-04-21T22:09:00.000-07:00

On the UC Berkeley School of Law (Boalt Hall) admits listserv, everyone received the following e-mail.

********

guys:

I want an honest opinion:

My name is Sai - I came to the US in '99 - finished my master's degree in computer science. I am 25 years old. I got accepted to boalt, UNIVERSITY OF TEXAS law - I live in dallas and work for NORTEL Networks.

I am here in the US to have best time possible - I dont believe in marriage - I am tryin' to be honest with you so that I can get some honest feedback. I make about 45 bucks an hour - close to 100K - I belive in power and money - If you were in my shoes would you go for bolat law or UT law quitting a job of close to 100K and not making money for another 3 years.

I was always invloved in politics and ultimately get involved in politics - not sure whether in the US OR INDIA at this moment.

I already studied boalt - ALMOST all the IP COURSES - patent law, IP introductory class and almost all other stuff related to computer tech.

I want a honest opinion - you can make or break my life.

I want to make a rational decision at this point of my life - by the time I get to bolat if at all I attend I will be 26 years old and will be close to 30 by the time I graduate.

guys: I am here in the US for good life. Obviously, money, power and xxx.

i am trin to be frank and honest so that I can get a honest and frank reply -- awaitin your resposnse:

SUCCESS IS MY ONLY OPTION - Sai _ this is my quote and I wanna copyright this/

***********

Naturally, this e-mail required my reply...and so, Sai and everyone else on the message boards, received the following reply:

"Quite a mouthful there Sai. If you'll indulge me, let me answer your questions point by point.

I am here in the US to have best time possible - I dont believe in marriage

Nothing is less conducive to marriage than a techie in Texas. This probably gives 10 points towards staying with your current job.

I make about 45 bucks an hour - close to 100K - I belive in power and money -

And this is just with Nortel? Go on with your bad self. Imagine the big bucks when you upgrade to Dell. There's a remote chance that you may get the sense of power after a legal education, but that's just an illusion (delusion if you will). True power lies in technology. HONESTLY, can a legal memorandum match the incredible power and sexuality of a bat out of hell worm/virus that you create in your basement? Hardly. So power and money seem to be leaning towards staying with current job. Ummm how about 15 bonus points each, for a grand total of 40 now. Moving on.

I was always invloved in politics and ultimately get involved in politics - not sure whether in the US OR INDIA at this moment.

Since when did American education short of a Harvard PhD get any respect in India? No reason to go to law school based on that. American politics is trickier. Do you want to be the guy that tells Presidential Candidate X that it's ok to accept a bajillion dollars from Donor Y, or do you want to be the guy that designs his kickass website? I don't even know HTML and I can tell you the answer to that one. Another 30 points for tech, grand total 70. (I'd like to see the Harlem Globe Trotters do better than this).

I already studied boalt - ALMOST all the IP COURSES - patent law, IP introductory class and almost all other stuff related to computer tech.

What's the architectural layout of Boalt? Are there any pressure points? Did you notice the lack of windows as well? Well anyway, I'll just use some good old fashioned detective work to assume you meant you already took all the tech related law courses at Boalt. Well so much for that one huh. Actually Boalt deserves (-50) for that one...it's about as useful to you as shit-laced toilet paper. Oh and since we know how American education is really a cookie-cutter approach, you can be rest assured that you've practically taken all the IP/tech courses at UT as well. Umm how about -25 for them. By virtue of their negatives, you get a solid 75 points towards staying as a techie. Grand total so far: 145 for techie, -50 for Boalt, and -25 for UT. Don't worry there's still Double Jeopardy to come.

I want a honest opinion - you can make or break my life.

If only....

I want to make a rational decision at this point of my life - by the time I get to bolat if at all I attend I will be 26 years old and will be close to 30 by the time I graduate.

Let's be quite frank with each other. You know and I know you've passed the prime of your life. And since you don't believe in marriage and all, by god, you're gonna be single, 30, and in debt by the time you graduate...hardly the pLaYa image you seek my Hindu friend. This is definitely not telling me that "bolat" is for you. Your fingers belong on the keyboard of life...the giver and the taker...the sole means of satisfaction on Yahoo listservs. +20 for Techie: Grand totals, 165 for tech, -50 Bolat, and -25 UT.

guys: I am here in the US for good life. Obviously, money, power and xxx.

+1,500 for Techie. Grand total: 1665 Techie, -50 Bolat, -25 UT. [Editor's Note: In hindsight, what I was sort of going for is something along the lines of, "Based on a quick google search, 383,203,835 hits suggest you get xxx through high tech industry"]

am trin to be frank and honest so that I can get a honest and frank reply -- awaitin your resposnse:

If I've been anything but, I might as well slit my wrists.

SUCCESS IS MY ONLY OPTION - Sai _ this is my quote and I wanna copyright this/

Copyright? Hell you should market this. Don't let those athletic coaches that shout out "failure is not an option" stop you.

Warmest regards,

Armen

P.S. Final tally

1665 -- Techie (runaway winner, only a fool would chose anything else in your shoes)
-50 -- Bolat (useless windowless dump)
-25 -- UT (maybe for the chicks, but that shouldn't be a problem for anyone with a Nortel Employee ID)"

Dormroom Confessionals (aka Stupid Roommate Stories, pt. 1)

2004-04-20T23:37:00.000-07:00

mw: oh i dont think i told u the stupid roommate story of the week
mw: did i tell you about her trying to make an online purchase?
armenaut: no
mw: she was trying to make an online purchase at gap.com for which i had a 10% coupon. her first question was, so how much of a disocunt would that be off $50? my surly reply was $5
mw: then she asked if she had a gap.com pw. "i dont know? do you?"
mw: then, "what are all these blanks for? [the mailign addy] is that so they know where to send it?"
mw: "m*****, is my shipping addy the same as my billing address? whats my billing address"
mw: ok so then this is the killer, she called her mom in spansih asking for the bank address on her CC statement so she could put that adress (the banks address) for hte billing addy.
mw: I WAS CRACKING UP
mw: i mean who puts their bank address for the billing address
armenaut: LOL
mw: as we speak she is crying on the phone to her friend about how her bf isnt calling her back
mw: (he dumped her)
armenaut: naturally

And if you have more stories to share, don't hesitate to e-mail us. :)

Mr. Adzhemyan Goes to a Meeting

2004-04-12T21:14:00.000-07:00

So today I attended one of our John R. Wooden Center Board of Governors meeting. One of the privileges of being on the Board is that I get access to survey results of UCLA student opinions regarding a small store inside the work-out facilities. The following were some of the suggestions for what to sell there.

Accurate scale/jamba juice

More benches, Don't do business with ASUCLA (Associated Student Union, UCLA, the only authorized body allowed to retail anything on campus)

Rock Wall Chalk

Need bigger rock gym, can't you lose the racquetball court next to the wall?

More racquetball courts and just use them for racquetball

Calling cards, magazines, batteries

Don't waste money, Ackerman is close enough

Student store is 50 yards away...hello

Panty hose

Fix the broken treadmills

Consult health professionals for actual healthy foods

As long as it's not too overpriced, I would buy stuff

Depends on price

Cheap UCLA T-shirts

Socks

Hot guys, diet pills, smoothies, vitamins

Child care

There needs to be someone looking in on the men's lockerroom. There are men ery intimate with one another in there quite often. It's uncomfortable.

Place where you can swipe for meals on campus

Get the new gym back

Been coming here a long time so used to not having all the above, but would be nice

Beer

Massage therapy on premises @ student rate

So there you have the opinions of your average UCLA students that use the Wooden Center.

Nightmare on Elm Stewart Street

2004-04-05T18:28:00.000-07:00

Editor's Note: Since the pics do not open a new window you may want to read the post in its entirety before clicking on any picture.

Continuing my tirade regarding Ithaca, NY, this is the slightly longer piece that you all have (I'm sure) long been waiting for. This is the grand (ghoulish) tour of Nerses' apartment in Ithaca. That's right, old 306 Stewart St. Now the entrance was not very impressive, but I had hope things would get better once I got inside. It took a while to figure out which was their apartment, since I couldn't see the outline of the number 1 on their door (you can see it if you look closer). No worries, what matters is the actual apartment. Well if that's the case then the living room was seriously amiss. Panning to the left, things did not improve. Down the hall the mess continued to increase. I took the bold steps of walking in and looking back at the entrance. I noticed the small TV, but missed the large spare tire during the first glance. I did find a bedroom that was very neat. The work area was well organized. The person appeared to be interested in museums, or maybe penis nicknames. But Petey, quickly told me that Nerses' bedroom is through the kitchen.

Honestly I couldn't think of a thing that was missing from this bastion of culinary delight. They apparently were such great chefs that they needed a daytime running light to fully see what they were cooking. Once done cooking, they thoroughly cleaned everything. (Note film as top layer). The living room was looking far cleaner from here.

I had high hopes for the restroom which was within sight, but so was the mildew in the shower and on the shower door. I initially hesitated going in because the bathroom appeared to rest on sacred burial ground for old and forgotten Gillete Mach 3 razor blades. I eventually had the galls to peer inside to look for a functioning toilet. I thought I found one. Then I quickly realized I had stumbled onto the greatest invention ever. This was not just any toilet, but it was a toilet where one could read ESPN Magazine and rinse their mouths while taking a shit...or a piss, whichever. I've always wondered what piss would look like if you mixed it with Listerine. Alas that question was never to be answered as the boys lacked Listerine but had some of the Finast Antiseptic west of the Mississippi. I remembered the time when Nerses graced us with his presence at the Kelton apartment bathroom only to take such a gnarly dump that he clogged our toilet. I wondered if he has done such a thing at this place...or if I were to choose to return the favor, what would happen? I needed not worry. This state of the art bathroom came fully loaded with manual plunger, plus it was suped (sp?) up with the latest liquid advances in plumbing technology. (We had to go to Ralphs to buy Liquid Plumber when he shat the world into our toilet). So the guys may have to use some TP to soak up the piss that's missed its target, but at the very least they practice impeccable hygiene with this industrial strength soap. I couldn't honestly quite figure out the purpose of that soap if I had to touch the handle of that thing. Leaving the restroom I happened upon this gem . Nothing spells Communism like forcing a Korean to declare his piss breaks. (Apparently he takes long showers so the other two want to be warned ahead of time.)

The bedroom left nothing to be desired. Except for maybe the absence of a hole in the mattress (you can see the outline of the hole towards the right side of the bed in the middle). Seriously though, the room came equipped with a CDR full of Porn that I had given to Nerses. Those of you that are Kazaa/online porn addicts will quickly recognize those acronyms. I was very impressed with the Armenian luggage in the closet. My exuberance quickly evaporated when I saw Nerses' medications. I'm not an MD, but I know Acetonide is not used to treat paper cuts. Fungus problem in the bedroom as well maybe? We know the blender was a bastion for fungi in the kitchen...the shower did it's best in the restroom to rival the blender. The living room had the coffee mug giving it his all. So Nerses has athlete's foot (is there any other logical conclusion based on the evidence?) While Nerses was still in LA (and I at his apt) I slept on his bed. The hole in the mattress eventually (after one day) pissed me off to the nth degree such that I decided to fix it using sponges and duct tape. This brought a big fucking smile on Nerses' face.

During my three days there I noticed a couple of things that were odd and out of place (Yes that's 48 count Target brand baby-wipes...apparently they fly like hot cakes around here). I'll just assume the best...these guys fuck 2-year olds. Apparently Nerses eats like Little Miss Muffet (and puts his bedroom closet to excellent use by storing only one gallon whey in the whole thing). If we go back to the initial look at the kitchen you see they ALL eat like her. At least there is great comfort in knowing that they don't smell as they're always "certain" to be DRI. Every so often I would play that movie theater game (before the previews) where you have to count the Coke bottles in a given pic. Except I'd do it with the living room and beer bottles and anything else that seemed to be just ironic for being there. Despite my pessimism, the librarians of 306 Stewart were just great hosts.

Addendum: Since SOMEONE is whining about how this is unrepresentative of Ithaca and Cornell, I will add that the actual school and campus look like this, this, this, this, and this.

Eugene Gets a call from a girl...

2004-03-30T19:51:00.000-08:00

Well, not really.. The phone rings, I pick up the phone (thinking it was my friend) and say: "what up, son..." Much to my surprise, there was a voice of a female on the other line saying, "excuse me?" I said "I'm sorry..." and hung up on her promptly after.. (btw, she sounded quite cute too!) Probably annoyed by this point, she calls again, and this time, my roommate, Shoobies, picks up.. Same girl calls, except now she asks: "Is Eugene home?" Shoobies tells her that he's not in, and if he could take a message.. she then asks for his phone number, which we were more than happy to give (assuming Eugene is straight), and while getting his phone number out of Shoobies cell phone, we both ask each other: "there's a girl calling for Eugene?" with much comedy of course.. then I say: "ask her if she's really a girl.." I guess she heard all this, because when Shoobies got back on the phone, she said "this isn't a girl calling Eugene, it's a car thing.." Shoobies gives the number, hangs up, and we both get a thrilling laugh out of the whole thing.. Good game Eugene.. Girl: 1 / Eugene: 0

Three Addicts and a Tourist (Updated with pics)

2004-03-30T16:16:00.000-08:00

As you all probably know (at least from the last post) I'm currently in Ithaca, NY. I am staying with my friend Nerses at his lovely apartment (the topic of a future post w/ pics as soon as I return). Nerses is a fucking nicotine addict. Every 10 minutes, "Hey bro I'm going outside for a smoke, why don't you come join me?" (The real answer to this is of course, "Because it's fucking freezing.") Better was the time when he asked, "hey bro, can I smoke in your car...well it's not really your car so you can't say no."

Then there is Jong (seen here getting fucked by Nerses because he refused to let me take his pic) who is an alcoholic. He used to down a bottle of Jack Daniels over a couple of days, but now he's switched to Evan Williams because it's $4 cheaper and 250 mL more. So he makes these last almost a week, but not quite. You can see the transition.

Lastly we have Petey. He plays online poker...at 8 am. He plays online poker at 2 am. He plays online poker at 6 pm when he's doing work. He plays so much that he asked to borrow Nerses' credit card to draw $300 on it for online poker. At least he's very happy playing poker.

Homer Visits Ithaca, Greets "White Big Mac"

2004-03-28T13:13:00.000-08:00

Although I love The Odyssey this post is actually not about the epic poem. It is about the white McDonalds I entered on my way to Ithaca. That's right...all white. Every single person there was Caucasian. The assistant manager? White. Drive through lady? White. Burger flippers? White. Customers? White, white, white, white, white, white, and white. I have never seen such a scene. I have never been to a McDonalds short of hispanic employees. I have never been to a McDonalds short of any minority customers (and I'm not talking about a dark-skinned Armo that looks like an Arab or a Mexican to these people).

Now the best part of all this was the congregation of elderly in the back of the restaurant. About 5 or 6 of them were sitting around a table and enjoying their burgers and fries. Thought nothing of it personally...I've seen weirder things in my life. UNTIL ONE OF THEM STOOD UP. She had a mother fucking oxygen tank. That's right, a tank of O2 (for you science geeks) to help her BREATHE HER DYING BREATHS. And where does she have her dying meals? McFuckingDonalds!!!! If that scene is not a powerful advertisement, I don't know what is. Fuck Michael Jordan or any other celebrity eating a Big Mac...I wanna know if Granny Estelle eats one just before she fucking croaks.

Respectfully submitted from Ithaca, NY.

Armen

A Shants is Born

2004-03-23T22:04:00.000-08:00

Since Shantanu (Shantanude during springtime) has not posted anything here, I'm taking it upon myself to utterly humiliate him. He sleeps in the fetal position. That's right, the cute, cuddly shantanu that you know and love sleeps like a baby...literally. He goes home every weekend, and sleeps like a baby. What about his hands you might ask? Under his head, tucked away, just like a baby. Don't believe me? See for yourself

Why Did God Create Dinosaurs?

2004-03-16T22:55:00.000-08:00

Johnson is currently taking Anthro 7: Human Evolution, a fascinating and worthwhile class for everyone to take. However, if you are interested in a counter point of view, I strongly recommend this. This website is quite possibly the most brilliant discussion of how Adam used T-rex as his own personal pet. And I quote, "Why did God invent so many different kinds of beautiful, interesting and surprising animals? Perhaps because He wanted to delight Man with His power, wisdom and love."

It's just unfortunate the Dinosaurs were such sinners and could not survive the flood (I'm going to be incredibly pissed if some jack-ass in Vegas decides to build a dinosaur-themed casino that attracts millions).

Annoying (Dumb) Blondes

2004-03-16T22:17:00.000-08:00

Chris Day (of UCSB) fame submitted the following story about a girl revealing a bit too much thanks to the winds of change while wearing a skirt and UUGS. In short, don't try to get attention then complain when you get another sort of attention.

Bruin Republicans: Or How I Stopped Making Sense and Learned to be an Idiot

2004-03-14T02:27:00.000-08:00

For the past several weeks, the Bruin Republicans have been waging a PR battle against the UCLA chapter of Mecha because one of their founding documents calls for the return of part of the US to Mexico. This originally came to light during the Recall Election when it was revealed that Lt. Gov. Bustamante was part of Mecha when he went to Fresno State in the 70's. Now being a self-professed addict of the MyUCLA Online Forums, I noticed the following post regarding the BR/Mecha issue.

On 3/13/2004 10:30:00 PM, MichaelGor said:
Why am I going to law school? Well, one of the first things I'll do, if I can, is to enforce Education Code 38135, which would ban Mecha from the UCLA campus. Education Code 38135 says: "Any use, by any individual, society, group, or organization for the commission of any act intended to further any program or
movement the purpose of which is to accomplish the overthrow of the
government of the United States or of the state by force, violence,
or other unlawful means shall not be permitted or suffered.

Any individual, society, group, or organization which commits any
act intended to further any program or movement the purpose of which
is to accomplish the overthrow of the government by force, violence,
or other unlawful means while using school property pursuant to the
provisions of this chapter is guilty of a misdemeanor."

This code should be used to force out the socialist and communist groups on campus, too. But at least we have the law to force out Mecha and defund it.

Now Michael, the clever, future legal scholar, is referring to the
CA Education Code Section 38135.

Upon closer examination, even a 4th grader (I use this intentionally be patient) can see that Section 38135 falls under Title II: Elementary and Secondary Education. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not one of those that compares UCLA to the Ivys, but I don't quite degrade it to the level of a high school...that's what Valley College is for. In short, he's an idiot...and not just any idiot...but I think he deserves to be ARMACOST PROJECT IDIOT OF THE WEEK

Dumb Infomercial Quotes, No. 001

2004-03-13T01:24:00.000-08:00

"You can be anything you want to be with great hair." -- Hair Club (Please call 1-800-319-5535 for a free consultation)

Fuge

2004-03-08T18:45:00.000-08:00

There's this "friend" of mine... let's call him.... Fuge.. well, I see him one day with a giant bag of oranges.. and this fucker's as excited as a bonobo getting head... I tells me, "hey, I got this bag for only $2 man!" then I immediately ask him.. did you get that from the Mexicans under the freeway? He looks at me, reluctantly giving me the answer... "yeah man.." I laugh, and tell him that the shit they sell is from the dumpsters behind supermarkets.. I asked him, "did you notice these oranges are usually very sweet?" He replies, "yeah man.." (by the way, he's not Jamaican, he's just stupid..) I then proceed to tell him that my sister's Fiance, Todd, whose brother-in-law is a Health Inspector for the LA County, has found those Mexy's behind the in the dumpsters picking that shit out for later sale.. Fuge decides to (try to) refute my claims by saying.. "no man, the supermarkets give those fruits away when they cannot sell them anymore.." Now guys, think about the shit this dumbass is telling me... --after-hours, when the supermarkets are closing, you're telling me that the grocers would stand out in the back in a dark alley to hand these too-ripe-to-sell fruits to the Mexy's lining up to nab them?-- hahah.. what a moron.. Well, to finish this story, the guy ends up keeping the oranges.. and that very night, he makes some kind of orange-juice blend with the oranges in discussion.. He takes a drink and says "hey man, do you want to try? they're very sweet.." I just look at him, sigh, and walk away.. Right now, the oranges are rotting in a drawer in the original bag.. I wonder when he's going to finish them.. hahah Everybody, at this moment, I'd like to introduce Fuge..

A Pancreas walks into a Med School...

2004-03-07T02:58:00.000-08:00

The Los Angeles Times broke the following story on Saturday, March 6, 2004 "Sale of Body Parts Alleged at UCLA." Yahoo News also reported the story with the headline "Head of UCLA Cadaver Program Arrested"

The best part, however, are the Yahoo News Message Boards about the story. The titles of the posts read (a sampling):

646 UCLA tried to create Super Football Tea
625 They were running a body shop
587 OWNER OF A LOANER HEART!
577 I see dead people.......
please answer me this
by: Carmelcorny2k (33/F/london ontario canada) 03/07/04 04:21 pm
Msg: 567 of 661

why on gods green earth would anyone want a corpse ?

Re: please answer me this
by: dudette5212 (41/F/midst of europe) 03/07/04 04:22 pm
Msg: 569 of 661

Friends are hard to come by?

Re: please answer me this
by: pecker666wood 03/07/04 04:22 pm
Msg: 570 of 662

Them's good eatin'!!!

565 with fava beans and a nice chianti
563 Cadavers sold to chinese restraunts....
551 BLUE LIGHT SPECIAL IN CHINS & NOSES
548 Eat more meat!
527 BUSH'S ECONOMY DROVE HIM TO THIS!
501 DEAD END JOB ANYWAY
471 Lead with you're best foot forward...
469 He should keep a stiff upper lip
456 Mark Geragos finds Laci's killer
438 AN EYE FOR AN EYE?
436 This Man Has GUTS!
431 Lemme guess-He stole the student body??
406 UCLA 'Cadaver Program' = Men's BB Team
405 HOW MANY 14" PENIS DID THEY SELL????
404 U could say " He went out on a LIMB!!
403 What Is That Blender For?
395 had a foot in the door.
379 Spose UCLA looking for new cadaver head
377 Keep parts in footlocker
374 Can't Wait For The TV Movie!
357 My wife's a cadaver in bed,,
352 Ashcroft should bring a tasty price!
339 Best part of doing dead chicks
310 THEY TRIED TO SELL ATKINS' ORGANS
300 Re: This never happened w Clinton presid
287 NOBODY WANTS A BABOON HEART SO
223 Hope he gets a stiff penalty!!
187 BUSH to donate 545 dead US Soldiers to.
185 John "FRANKENSTEIN" Kerry is PISSED:
172 CARNIWHORES!!!!
161 CadaverMan went DUCKHUNTING w/ Cheney
155 He finances Kerry's run
147 His wife said she would like a lil head
145 Longer Penis Was Taken for Bush
123 another disgusting cali liberal busted
122 IT PUTS THE LOTION IN THE BASKET .
121 WAS GETTING MORE CORPSES FOR BUSH'S AD!
118 Bush dead body production should ease
117 CAN YOU FIND THESE BODY PARTS ON EBAY?
103 OPEN UP A KILLER HALLOWEEN SHOP
102 Bush shopping list found
89 Rally for "NECROFILIAC WEDDING" Rights
83 Did They Find Dumbya's Brain?
80 Dems support cadaver-cadaver marriages
60 hes fighting arrest tooth and nail
56 this guy had cajones
55 ... the long arms of the law..
54 HEAD IS ARRESTED-ASS STILL ON THE LOOSE
52 Caught cold-handed
50 My Penis Head For Sale $150/hour
49 im sure he can find a shoulder to lean
47 Laughing My Ass Off At The Headline
44 I LOVE a Blue Lady
42 I've heard of finger pointing
36 Igor, get me another body!
35 Re: Maybe he stole a penis from a Black
34 PIC OF THE MISSING DIC
32 Did he steal Roger Moore's corpse?
29 He Greeted Everyone with....
28 I'm going out on a limb here...
27 Leg and forearm also to be arrested
19 Ahhh! Yet another California liberal...
16 POLICE TO CRACK SOME SKULLS
14 rigors of the job too great
13 PIC OF MY DIC
11 This will cost him and arm and a leg...
10 Al Gore Invemted Cadavers
9 Do you think he'll get a stiff sentence
4 I'm dieing to see
3 He should have quit while he was a head
2 law enforcement deserves a hand
1 They better keep an eye on him

As a Bruin, I can only say that it breaks my heart.

GAYOL Telemarketing Call

2004-03-05T18:17:00.000-08:00

At 2:45 PM today the telephone rings and Armen answers

Armen: Hello?

Guy: Hi, may I speak to Mr. Adzhemahayan?

Armen: (sigh) Speaking.

Guy: Hello, Mr. Adzhemahayan, my name is Brian and I'm calling about the AOL Dial Up service that you cancelled last fall because you got a broadband service.

Armen: Yes.

Brian: Well, sir, AOL has a new broadband service that is compatible with the service provider you already have.

Armen: Brian, I hate AOL. I hate the interface and everything else about it. Why would I pay to have AOL, when I already have DSL that allows me to use whatever internet browser that I like?

Brian: I'm glad you asked that question sir. It's because AOL has a lot of security features that no one else has.

Armen: I already have a firewall with my router.

Brian: AOL also has a firewall.

Armen: So I'd be paying for something that I already have?

Brian: AOL also has great anti-spam features.

Armen: I already use Pop-up stopper.

Brian: We have a pop-up stopper feature also, but we also have excellent anti-virus program for e-mails.

Armen: My server already does that very well.

Brian: AOL also has improved parental control features.

Armen: So I won't be able to get porn whenever I want to?

Brian: (laughing)

Armen: Look Brian, I don't want to waste your time...I'm definitely not interested. Have a good one.

Brian: Well if you have any questions, don't hesitate to contact.... *click*

2004-03-05T18:13:00.000-08:00

WELCOME

We want to welcome you all to the Armacost Project. Unlike conventional blogs that offer you either something very useful or incredibly mundane, we've decided to simply post the things that make us laugh, sigh, or cuss a lot (and then some). We encourage you to tell us of anything that you think is worthwile to be included here, but in general we'd like to offer our own perspectives on the things that we see around us.

In essence you may think of this as the anti-blog. Whereas most people read other people's blogs to learn more about those individuals, we will tell you about such idiots here for you, to spare you from reading about how their cat coughed up another furball. Enjoy.

-- Johnson, Armen, and Shantanu